Skip to main content

True to Myself

I go through periods where I am not in the mood to write. And then, I have a day (or a few in a row) where I just have so much that goes through my mind that it cannot be contained. Today is one of those days. Everything I seem to encounter makes me want to voice what has been put on my mind.

I have this friend who is in Afghanistan who has repeatedly tried to encourage me into having a "friends with benefits" kind of relationship. I don't believe that will ever work for me. I don't want a casual sexual relationship with anyone, but especially not with someone I am friends with. When he heads down that path, I always ask him if he loves me. "As a friend," he replies. Don't get me wrong, my ideal relationship is one that starts with us as friends and at some point becomes something more than that. Having sex because I want to meet a physical desire still leaves me wanting because I am looking for a more intimate desire to be met. Friends with benefits would mean that I was not being true to myself and could also permanently damage the friendship.

When my friends--male or female--talk about how long it's been since they last had sex, I tell them to get back to me when they reach however many months I have gone now. Right now, it's over twenty-six months. Folks, don't mistake what I am saying. It's a choice that has gotten me through all these months. It's not a lack of offers, it's a lack of interest in those offers. I am holding out for Mr. Right-for-me and not Mr. RightNow. I joke that I have been revirginated (and no, I don't really believe that's possible--I do have three kids after all!). And in a way, I have been. For the first time in my life, I am saving myself for true love and not giving sex away as a replacement for love. Not lust. Not passion. Not like. Not convenience or need. For love. Remaining true to myself means not trading in who I am in a moment of passion because it feels good RIGHT NOW. Trust me, I was close and am ever-so-thankful things didn't work out. I can still say I am true to what I want for me.

Being true to myself means never having to look at myself in the mirror and wish I hadn't chosen less than I was worth in a moment of needfulness.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Join the Navy, See the World!

There are things we want in life and make happen, but they don't always happen as we'd planned or imagined. My dad had gone to Ohio University in Athens, OH on a wrestling scholarship. I, too, wanted to go to OU, but since he'd dropped out and it had a reputation as a huge party school, it was going to be a tough sell. So, I did my homework and sell I did. At the time (1990), OU was one of the top 10 colleges for Communications in the U.S. That was the degree I wanted and I wanted to go to OU to get my degree. I graduated early and during the time between my acceptance to OU and the College of Communications and pre-college, I had become further enamored with marine life and sharks specifically and wanted to change my major to Marine Biology which at OU was actually a Zoology degree. The girl tried to talk me out of changing my major because it was so hard to get into the College of Communication and if I left, I would have to reapply and hope for the best in my junior year...
1 comment
Read more

Sometimes, Reality is Worse

What if I told you that Joseph/SAM was created to hurt me? Made up to be everything I'd ever want and more? What if I told you everything I believed and knew him to be was an enormous hoax? All because someone wanted to give me what she felt I had given her. All that she felt I had taken from her. I have to admit that while people have hurt me before with their actions and decisions it has been for their own personal and selfish reasons. Usually not with malicious intent.  There has to be a lot of pain and hurt within a person to invest so much into the creation of a fictional character. Someone who would really take the time to know me. Someone who would enlist others to make the ruse real. To call me on the phone, to send me cards from the web, to pick out a card and leave it at a bar where the bartender who gave it to me told me how cute my guy was, to create a Facebook account with pictures and friends, to bring an ex-wife into the mix, pictures from the desert and your trave...
10 comments
Read more

A Mother's Love

A mother's love is not a perfect love, but it is her best. It is all that she has in that moment that she shares it with you. Growing up, I didn't understand that. I didn't see that. I saw only the things it was not; the things I wanted it to be and that it fell short of. Expectations can steal your joy if you let them. They blind you. They keep you from realizing what you have been given because you become so focused on what you wanted to be given. There is joy to be had in what you get if you just give yourself eyes to see it. Now, I see my mother's love--in it's imperfection--and feel blessed through it just the same. Yesterday was Mother's Day and I spent the day with my mom. As we were leaving my house to go to church, she asked me if I got the e-card she sent me. No, I hadn't. She then remembered that she must not have sent me one. Oh well, she said. My other two sisters live out of state and she sent them both e-cards, but then got caught up in some...
2 comments
Read more