Skip to main content

Holding on to God

This year hasn't been the best. It's honestly been a bit of a struggle. In January, JM broke up with me and not only broke off our romantic relationship, but dropped off the face of the earth as my friend too. The later hurting me more than the former since I valued him as a friend. In February, Lenny, my stepdad started to lose his faculties and we knew that death was nearer than it had been any time before he'd originally entered hospice in July last year. The two weeks preceding his death were some of the hardest of my life as I watched him struggle to let go of his life on this side of heaven. He passed away March 10. I walked into the room to see him as my mom prepared us a meal. He'd breathed his last from the time that she left the room to let me in and me walking in to see him. It was the first time I'd been with someone who'd died. My cat, Princess, who still lived with my ex died next. My daughter called me sobbing and needing comfort. I told her about the day my little sister handed her to me and told me I should bring her home. I looked at Pep and said, "She wants to live with us. Can she?" He said he could never say no to me when I look at him with that face (you know the one!), and she had been with our family from that day until her death 14 years later. A week after that, my hamster, Griff, died. My dog, Jack, and I were crushed. Jack and he were besties. Then, in April, my granny fell and hit her head after what they believed was an aneurysm burst in her head. Her death took 6 days and allowed her children and grandchildren to get to closure as we said goodbye. Her death was peace. She knows Jesus and looked forward to their meeting. My mom was with her when she entered Heaven and I was on a plane. Last night, I came home and my sweet Jack just wasn't himself. I finally figured out why when he started into my hamster, Cow's, cage and then lay down in front of it. I looked in and saw no movement and then lifted the igloo. He, too, had died. My grief has felt like a constant companion as the losses continue to mount.

While all this is happening, I feel my work in my current role also coming to an end. I just always know when it's time to move on. I become ready. Doors start to open and others start to close. I start to see the change around me and the road blocks where I am as well as the opportunities elsewhere. I start to prepare my team and plan for what's to come. It's in this place that I keep coming back to the verses God gave me at the beginning of this year, Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV), "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understaning. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight [direct] your path."  (which also happens to be my granny's favorite verse and got her through life with a sometimes recovering alcoholic and 11 kids including the first one born with mental deficits) and Isaiah 55:8-9, "For My thoughts are not your thoughts. Neither are you ways My ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." These verses continue to remind me that I don't understand the reason behind why this?, why now?, why all in such a short window?, or any of the other questions that come from what I've already gone through this year, but remind me to rest in who God is and not on what my circumstances say about what this all could mean. I can spend my whole life trying to guess, but still I won't know unless He wants me to. What I think He really wants, though, is to know I can rest my life and my path safely with Him. So I do.


I won't tell you that resting in God is easy for me. I am a doer. A what-if-er. A get stuff done kind of girl. This time continues to draw me to Him and lay myself and my circumstances at His feet and say, I don't understand, but I do trust you; remold me as you see fit. Everything I have and everything I am is Yours. And I'll also tell you that's scary AF because God can do anything and sometimes He does or allows some really tough stuff that will have you curling the fingers of your open hands right back up because you might not be serious about it some days. I keep unfurling my hands and believing that even through His refiner's fires His ways are best and right.
 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Join the Navy, See the World!

There are things we want in life and make happen, but they don't always happen as we'd planned or imagined. My dad had gone to Ohio University in Athens, OH on a wrestling scholarship. I, too, wanted to go to OU, but since he'd dropped out and it had a reputation as a huge party school, it was going to be a tough sell. So, I did my homework and sell I did. At the time (1990), OU was one of the top 10 colleges for Communications in the U.S. That was the degree I wanted and I wanted to go to OU to get my degree. I graduated early and during the time between my acceptance to OU and the College of Communications and pre-college, I had become further enamored with marine life and sharks specifically and wanted to change my major to Marine Biology which at OU was actually a Zoology degree. The girl tried to talk me out of changing my major because it was so hard to get into the College of Communication and if I left, I would have to reapply and hope for the best in my junior year

Struggles

Struggles. We all have them. My (latest) favorite saying is, "We all have our things." And for me, my "thing" is wanting to eat to fill the emptiness inside. And not like carrots and apples and good for you stuff. Oh, No! The really bad for you stuff. I crave sugary treats. I have been doing so well with my eating lately and have been exercising for the last few weeks as well, but last night nearly took me down. I was struggling with wanting to run--not walk--into the kitchen and make myself a bowl of cereal with some Craisins or a fruit smoothie or a PB&J. I prayed instead. Almost to the point of tears, I begged God for this to pass. I ate some carrots. I drank some more water. I contemplated some tea. I got out my swiss ball and did some wall squats as I watched TV. I had already been out for a walk earlier with ML, too, but I felt like I was coming out of my skin. OBSESSING about eating something. It wasn't food that I wanted, though. I wanted to feed t

Submitting is all in the Attitude

Sometimes....my head is so full of so much, I don't really know what I am thinking or feeling. I don't take the time to process or dig because sometimes it takes me to a raw place and I am not ready for that. Instead, I just keep moving forward....one foot in front of the other. Right now, I am struggling to stick to this Abs  menu that I have decided to try for the next 28 days along with some friends. It's a lot of veggies and I am more of a fruit girl. I am choosing to stick with it because it's part of my plan to submit to something. Alongside it, I am doing the Made to Crave 21-Day Challenge so my mental state can carry my physical and emotional. This is 28-days out of a lifetime; I can do this. Sometimes, I don't want to. The reality is that it's hard and it's strange and new for my body. I have never done well on low-carb programs. I liken the Abs menus a bit to Atkins where you can eat a TON of high fat and high protein. The difference is that whi