Eight Years Later

Eight years and nearly four months ago, I left my husband, my home, and my comfort zone and started over again.

It wasn't easy to do, but it was the right decision for me then and still holds as such today. It took many years to get to the point where I believed I had done all I could do and knew that I could not continue to live as I was. Telling our kids we were getting divorced and I was moving out was hard. Having the days and nights where they wanted us together or were struggling with us being apart was harder. Seeing your child cry and struggle is an arrow to your already tender heart.

As the mother, it was hard to leave my home and my family even knowing that our dissolution agreement gave us shared 50/50 custody. It bothered me that people might think that I was the one at fault. That I had done something to end my marriage. That I was the cheater. I wasn't, but no marriage fails because one person made all the mistakes. Marriages fail because people forget that it ta…

Live Loved

A few months ago in church, we had to write ourselves a note about what we felt God was asking of us in that moment. Mine was this:

Love without restraint
I have a very tender heart, and I guard it maybe a little too much these days. When your heart takes too much damage, you take care to protect it from further incidences of pain, turmoil, and emptiness. You stop risking the maybes and what ifs and live only for the sure things. Well, my friends, there is only one sure things in this life and it is that we will all one day die. So, I ask myself now, why not take some risks, live more fully now, and know that your regrets when death comes are not ones about the roads not taken? 
There are no guarantees in life. Even the most beautiful marriages can come crumbling down. Even those who are living a life surrendered to the Lord can fall. How often has it happened even in the Bible? David knew the Lord, but still he chose to take Bathsheba into his bed and then when she was pregnant, he sent…

Me and Southeast Asia

This weekend, a dream came true and I traveled across the world for the second time in as many years and flew into China. As a young girl, I was fascinated with China. I am not really sure why exactly, but the beauty of it drew me there in my thoughts often. As the travel shows, documentaries, and even the big screen movies featured China, I imagined a chance to come here, but didn't really know when or how. The mountains, the rivers traveled by old boats making a way through the wilds and ancient time all drew me in. It was dreamlike in quality. While I am not in the part of China I had once dreamed about, I can see flavors of it all around me in the people and the architecture if not in the landscape that captured my eye and mind.

Last year, I was in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia and just fell in love with the area. I was telling my colleague that it wasn't just KL or Malaysia I really enjoyed, but the whole experience. We went on some amazing adventures. Shared meals and learned a…

Perfect Love Casts out Fear

Fear is a very real thing. From a young age, I knew fear in the form of a phobia. I feared death. Not just my death, but specifically around darkness, emptiness, the end of life. I worried something would happen to my mother and I hated sleeping somewhere other than home. As I got older and my thought processes could take me down deep into the darkness of what if scenarios, I could end up in a panic attack. There were times that the most unusual situations lead to the worst ones. The kind where everything goes wonky, sight becomes a tunnel and then blackness overtakes you.  In the Bible, there are many verses written about fear because it's a problem as old as time. This week as I was preparing for what's coming in Sunday's service, this verse stood out to me, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." (1 John 4:18, ESV). The part that specifically spoke to me w…

Climbing out of the Pit

I can't believe it's been over three and a half years since I wrote here. Well, since I published anything here. I've been back periodically to write here, but left things abandoned because I just didn't have it in me to finish what I'd started. My heart wasn't in it anymore. Thankfully, I have found my way back again and my heart is filling up again.
What happened to me, you ask? I fell into the pit. A place of sorrow. Of lost hope. Of keep-on-keeping-on and putting one foot in front of the other. I lost heart for the journey I was on. I let myself live in a self-imposed place of defeat. Sometimes, you get knocked down so much that you don't feel like getting back up again. I really don't see myself as that person, though. Someone who gets defeated. Someone who stays down. Instead, I am the girl who chooses to fight. I come out swinging. I drag my butt back up because I live by the motto, "If not me, then who?" So, again, how did life kick me …

Wait for It

Waiting. UGH! Totally not one of my strong suits. I am a woman of action. I am a doer. I had a former boss who used to say, "It's not going to happen by itself. You have to make it happen." Now, that is a plan I could get with. One that makes sense to me. One that I LIVE!

But there is another voice that tells me to "wait". That the best is coming. That there are some things I won't or can't do on my own. It is something more than I can ask or imagine. And it is worth waiting for. Love. Real love. Perfect love. 

It is given freely. Available to all. Waiting. Expectant. Until it becomes irresistible. Until HE becomes irresistible. 

He initiates. Pursues. Woos. Captivates the heart. Who would think it possible? In this world? Right where we are? Hoping. Wanting. Needing. Expecting, even. And then, there it is. An answer. A revelation. A heart broken into. Walls broken through. The lies repealed. The Truth revealed. All is as it was supposed to be. I am His. 


Lesson 1

Have you ever just known that you have to do something, but not sure why? You can see lots of reasons for it, but nothing is exact as to why? Well, I had that happen just recently. I felt like God wanted me to take care of the things around my house that annoy me, but not enough to do anything about. What started as a feeling that I needed to do some cleaning turned into a project: touch up some paint, fill some holes, wash walls, deep clean in places that are hidden. I hung pictures and wall decor and made my house a home again. It felt so good to live here again; to accept the gift that had been given and treasure it for as long as it is mine to have.

When my friends came over for our study after I had done most of the work, I thought for sure they would notice. No one did. I brought it up and then they commented on it. Still, I had more work to do and I called attention to the places they don't see that have yet to be cleaned (my room, walk-in closet and the loft bedroom which …