Waking Up Me!

Marry Me! And no, I am not proposing to you. Once, many moons ago, I did propose to a man. As it turned out, I married him, too, but that was many break-ups and reconciliations later and NEVER have I had a real proposal. What do I consider to be a real proposal? One that includes true love, a ring, and an offer of marriage. I used to think the ring wasn't all that important. In many ways, I still agree with that. To me, it's more the symbol of the unity--the unbroken circle of the ring--and the fact that this man has chosen that particular ring for the woman he wants to marry with only her in mind. It signifies their union and beginning. I have been asked to marry 4 men--all linked to military service. The first time, I was asked was by a man named Kevin. He was in the Navy, we'd gone to the same high school, and we shared a group of friends. He told me he had his grandmother's ring in a box and would marry me right now. Mind you, I'd not even kissed the guy nor ...

As I sought prayer last week as we interceded for JM as he struggled with some c hanges that were affecting h is futu re and truth be told, mine , I had two of my aunts and my girl KB all come back and assure me with Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Three is always significant. I wasn't sure just w hat to do with this. Was this for him? Me? Both of us ? I think last night God helped me see what He meant in this.   Lean not on your own understand ing... When I was lying down to go to sleep last night and wrest ling with this, I rea lized that we think it's our heart that is broken. That it isn't capable of love. But what is truly broken is our ability to trust. To trust ou rselves. To t rust our hearts. To trust God and God with our hearts. When I was trying to figure out if I had mis taken what God was doing with ...

The mustard seed is a tiny seed that when planted becomes a large bush. Jesus said to the disciples, "... if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” (Matt 17:20, ESV). This was something I was praying about earlier this week for JM whose faith is struggling. As I was taking my babygirl to a friend's house to night and holding back my own tears, half-listening to the radio as I sat at a light, I hea rd the D J at the local radio station, 95. 5 T he Fis h, say, "faith like a mustard seed..." and then played these two songs below back to back. Kutless, "What Faith Can Do" Francesca Battistelli - Giants Fall As I drove up the street after dropping my daughter off, I had this crazy peace come over me as I knew God was telling me that He has this in His hands. He was telling me to not lose hope. To keep the faith. That He is the...

Stepping off the edge is hard for me. It's that unknown. The fear of what happens when I do. I remember being in Aircrew school down in Pensacola, FL and standing at the top of the platform we'd have to jump from, in full gear, and swim underwater 75 m. The point of the exercise is that if our aircraft went down, we may have to swim out of the wreckage, under fuel spills and possibly fire. All I could think as I stood there is that if I didn't make it this first time, I would have to do it again. I hate do-overs! As these thoughts ran through my head and I was telling my instructor some kind of reason why I wasn't jumping, he pushed me.  That was the first of 3 times that he would push me into the water during training exercises because I was afraid to jump.I don't know if he did that to everyone or if it was just a special pleasure of his to do to me. The second time was a mock shipboard jump from a pier and the water was infested with jellyfish. I was SO not ju...

On the day of my accident , a week ago now to be exact, I was having quite a lovely day and a beautiful trip down memory lane. Memory lane was quite full with things of the past and questions about what might be going on in the lives of the people that are more in my rearview mirror nowadays. For whatever reason, road trips (when I don't bring along an audiobook to listen to), always put me in a pensive place. And when I think, often times my thoughts end up on SAM. This time was no different. Sometimes, I go back through our different communications to see if I can register times when it was him and times when it was someone else, but this time I was thinking more about the "what If's". I am sure my upcoming trip to Chicago put him once again into my thoughts. I wondered if I would see him on the flight or in the airport. I wondered if I would know him if I saw him or if the photos I had seen were also of someone else. I know there are some photos that no one else ...

Today is my 39th birthday. People have said, "You're 28/29/32/33 today, right?" Nope. Thirty-nine and proud of it. For thirty-nine years, I have lived a life where I have been loved and loved others. I have lived a life where I have served my country, created friendships with people where distance is no boundary, and learned to cherish the most simple and beautiful treasures that exist all around me. I have danced in the rain. I have run on the white sand beaches of the Gulf of Mexico. I have watched and listened to the sounds of humpback whales in the Pacific Ocean from just feet away. I have seen many beautiful sunrises and sunsets in the mountains and over the sea. I have stood atop mountains gazing over the places around me and felt as if I could see the world. I have created life, carried that life within me, and delivered that life into the world three times over. I am blessed beyond measure. Even though I feel blessed, I am crabby today. I don't want to play...

Summer for the past three years has been a season of change for me. In 2009, I told my husband I wanted a divorce on May 20th, moved out while our little ones were this his parents in NY for 3 weeks and then moved home for a week before I moved into my new place. Last summer, I reconnected with my first love, had my first post-divorce heartbreak, emptied my proverbial closet and had a very dark time as my boss resigned, everyone at our company took a pay cut, and I had to let three more of my staff go all while trying to climb out of my current abyss of emotion and pain. This year, my ex remarried on Memorial Day weekend, Matthew failed four courses and is considered a sophomore until he passes his summer school which starts Monday, Noah is being bullied by a bunch of boys in my development and it's gotten physical, and then my lease renewal came about and my rent which is already very high is going up another $100, and lastly, my company hasn't recovered to the point where any...

I love the sound of the rain. It comforts and quiets me. I even love the sound of thunder and the bright flashes of lightening. When the wind blows, I love the way it feels pushing against me. I run into it. I let it tenderly caress my skin. As the storm picks up and becomes violent, though, my pleasure turns to concern. I become distraught in the possibilities of what this could be turning into. I let my fears overtake me. The same can be said of when the storms of life start. At first, I may be able to handle it on my own. As the severity of the issues or the number of them multiply, I become overcome. I become overwhelmed. I need to set my sights on something greater than me. After the death of his beloved cousin, John the Baptist, Jesus attempts to go off on his own to pray and grieve privately. Instead, the masses follow after him and call to him. In his care and compassion for them, he joins them instead and heals their sick. As night falls, his disciples plan to send the peopl...