Today is my 39th birthday. People have said, "You're 28/29/32/33 today, right?" Nope. Thirty-nine and proud of it. For thirty-nine years, I have lived a life where I have been loved and loved others. I have lived a life where I have served my country, created friendships with people where distance is no boundary, and learned to cherish the most simple and beautiful treasures that exist all around me. I have danced in the rain. I have run on the white sand beaches of the Gulf of Mexico. I have watched and listened to the sounds of humpback whales in the Pacific Ocean from just feet away. I have seen many beautiful sunrises and sunsets in the mountains and over the sea. I have stood atop mountains gazing over the places around me and felt as if I could see the world. I have created life, carried that life within me, and delivered that life into the world three times over. I am blessed beyond measure.
Even though I feel blessed, I am crabby today. I don't want to play. I decided to work because I am not feeling social. This weekend, my aunt and granny were talking to me about asking God for my heart's desires and knowing that He will answer. I want to ask, but I still don't trust that God will answer or that if he does, it won't be on my terms. On my birthday, there is one thing my heart desires and that is to find my forever love. It is what it is. The heart wants what the heart wants.
Instead of enjoying my blessings and the richness of them in this life I have, I am angry about the one big thing that I desire so much that it overshadows what I do have. I want to be loved. Deeply. Fully. Forever. Not just by anyone, but by someone who is good for me and with whom I can be vulnerable. Someone who will take care of me instead of me having to take care of him. Someone to wrap me in his arms where I will know I am safe and he will not hurt me. A man who can say no to me when I want something that is not right for me or for us. A man who is gentle and kind, yet strong of mind and body. A man who wants to be at the head of the family and knows that relationships take work and effort. A man who will love me and whom I will respect and submit to willingly. I know that man exists. I just don't know where he is or when he will be mine.And until the time when that man is mine, there is another who is ready to be all that and more right now. In my Father's eyes, I am worth everything. The problem is that I don't seek His arms because I fear. I haven't learned yet to TRUST.
His love is beyond measure. It is more than I could ever to think to ask for and maybe have never imagined. It is a love that is unconditional. It is a love that is there for the taking. It is for all of us. It heals broken hearts. It melts hearts that have hardened or grown cold. It breaks the chains that lock others out. All we have to do is seek Him and ask Him for the desires of our hearts. Over and over in the Bible, we are told that it is there just for the asking (Psalm 37:4, 21:2, 145:19; Matthew 7:7, 7:8; Isaiah 58:14; etc.). Yet, we don't seek and we remain empty and wanting. And I, a woman filled with this knowledge and blessing, stand on the precipice of this knowledge looking over the edge and afraid to jump. Afraid that the God who has never let me down (though His timing isn't ever the same as my own) might just have a first time. So, like so many other times in my life where fear hold me from jumping, I need a push...PUSH ME!
Today, “I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which [God] has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.” (Ephesians 1:18 – 19) I pray this for me and for each of us that we might come to know the blessings that God has for us if we just believe...and TRUST that He will meet us wherever we are.