Waking Up Me!

September 3rd would have been my 17th wedding anniversary. Instead, it was the third year that it was just another day. This year, though, it was a reminder of something that no longer was. It was a reminder that I spent almost 15 years chasing pavements. Adele describes her song,  Chasing Pavements,  as “...being hopeful for a relationship that’s very much over. The sort of relationship you hate when you’re in it, but miss when you’re not.” [source: HMV.com] . That was my marriage.  I married a guy who cheated on me a few times that I found out about and broke up with him because of, but always ended up back with him.  When I decided to marry him, I was convinced he would stop cheating. He never did.  In 2001, about 6 months after we'd had our second child and it seemed our marriage was finally good, he told me he no longer loved me. Nine months later, he moved out. Even though being married to him left my always wanting more than what it e...

Do all secrets lead to lies? Or is it lies that lead to secrets? I don't know. I wonder when one becomes the other. I wonder at what point one decides that they're in too deep and they must go all the way. I wonder if the thought of just being real and exposing the truth even at the expense of losing everything you hold dear is worth becoming unburdened of the work it requires to deceive others. Especially when the secrets and lies are told to those you say you love. Maybe love has just become a word. I suppose that's the point being made in Chasing Cars, one of my favorite songs by Snow Patrol, "Those three words. Are said too much. They're not enough." When one's actions belie the words spoken, no matter how often or with how much feeling, they are worthless; they are not enough.  Even when all you want is someone to lie with you and just forget the world, make sure that you're choosing the right person to lie with and aren't just lying to your...