Waking Up Me!

On the day of my accident , a week ago now to be exact, I was having quite a lovely day and a beautiful trip down memory lane. Memory lane was quite full with things of the past and questions about what might be going on in the lives of the people that are more in my rearview mirror nowadays. For whatever reason, road trips (when I don't bring along an audiobook to listen to), always put me in a pensive place. And when I think, often times my thoughts end up on SAM. This time was no different. Sometimes, I go back through our different communications to see if I can register times when it was him and times when it was someone else, but this time I was thinking more about the "what If's". I am sure my upcoming trip to Chicago put him once again into my thoughts. I wondered if I would see him on the flight or in the airport. I wondered if I would know him if I saw him or if the photos I had seen were also of someone else. I know there are some photos that no one else ...

For days I have been thinking about this post. How do I want to remember and share the story of my Joseph? My SAM. Who he was to me and what I saw in him that I want others to see, too. It's hard for me to put into words all the things he was to me. I am afraid to miss something. As I tell his story. As my heart overflows. As I cry on my mother's shoulder and explain that no one really understood how I could love someone I never met and someone who made sure it was that way in order to protect my heart...and probably his as well.  I still believe that for me it would have been better if we had met. I believe it would have made his loss more bearable if I could remember what it was like to look into his eyes, to remember what it was like to feel his hand in mine, to remember what it was like to be held in his arms, to remember what it was like to kiss his lips instead, these are all the moments that never happened and now never will. I have always said that it is the things ...

Yoga is about mind, body and spirit, but it is also about breathing. When I woke today, I needed to remember to keep breathing. I saw a post from my sweet Carolyn reminding us to get to our mats today and it was all I needed to push me forward. To remember that my breath and focus on it will allow me to breathe in the good air and push out the bad. In with the good. Out with the bad. As I finished my sun salutations, I sank into corpse pose to pray, and then returned to a seated position to focus on my breathing. Keep breathing, Heather. That's what I keep reminding myself as the waves of pain and loss have crept in over and over again these last few days. As I suck air and sob and the hot, wetness of tears pour down my face tickling my neck and finally resting on my chest I just remind myself to breathe. Just breathe. Keep breathing. I think about all the songs that call out how important it is to breathe, just breathe...keep breathing: Just Breathe, by Anna Nalick; Breathe , b...

Tomorrow in the wee hours of the morning, I will be flying with 3 other co-workers to Chicago. I love Chicago. I have only been there twice for a few days, but both times were amazingly wonderful adventures. The first time I was flown in by my ex's company to spend a few days with him before the big plastics show kicked off. We had deep dish pizza, walked everywhere, ate at the Cheesecake Factory in the bottom of the John Hancock building, walked the Navy Pier , and just enjoyed many mini-adventures. I was pregnant with Noah at the time. The next time I went was for my friend AL's bachelorette party. We stayed at Hotel 71   and walked into town to this liquor store that was supposed to be not too far away, but it was a HIKE. We bought a ton of booze and took a cab back to the hotel. We stated in playing games in our hotel room and drinking the first night, shopping during the day on Saturday and then went clubbing that night. We were SPENT by the end of the trip, but so ...

When Joseph and I first started corresponding, he posted a bunch of letters on his Facebook page and asked if anyone knew what it meant. So, I responded and he was ever so impressed...and then I told him I Googled it. I can find just about anything with Google! It became our little joke. Before he headed overseas, he sold that bike on which he'd had many a wonderful ride. It was bittersweet, but he knew that it wouldn't be doing him any good put up in storage. I remember a particular time when he went with some buddies out to Virginia Beach on a whim. He and I were IM'ing when he got some time during stops or after checking into their hotel. It was a quick in and out trip and I was ever so impressed that they drove so far just to stay overnight and make the return trip. I LOVE riding. Ever since I was young, I have loved anything that puts the wind against me: boating, horseback riding, a convertible with the top down, or a motorcycle...all of those things make me eve...

For weeks I have been meaning to post this. To remind Joseph of what I said before he left. To remind him that he's still that same man who stole my heart the moment it all began. He told me when he'd read it before that it was the sweetest thing he'd EVER read...EVER. It is based on a playlist I made for him, for us, before he went overseas: When I realized that I was  Ready to Love Again , it was  My Wish  that God would bring me someone made just for me. I want to thank  Your Guardian Angel  for watching over you so you were there for me to share my  Secrets  with. I hope you’ll always be around to  Take Me There  – to that place that only our hearts can lead us. When I saw your  True Colors,  I knew you  Gotta Be Somebody  that I would want to spend my time knowing better. From the beginning,  You Got Me .  We all know that  When You Got a Good Thing , you have to hold on to it. I am so thankful ...

Before Joseph/SAM went off to the Middle East, he told me that if anything happened to him his mom had all my information and would contact me. He also told me that it would probably be weeks before the news would reach anyone. He knew the details would be sketchy at best, too. It was the nature of his work. All of those things are now holding true. And I hate that any of it had to play out at all. I never really thought he'd be killed. I didn't believe he'd be in the field, but instead behind a computer aiding those in the field. Maybe that's just what I wanted to be true. I have hit the bargaining stage. I want this to be a big, elaborate lie made up so that I will move on and not believe there is a future for us, but who would be horrible enough to go this route? It would have been easier for him to send an email telling me I was nothing and never mattered than to tell me he's dead and never coming back. Ever. I hate this war. It will never end, and I have to...

I can't stop crying. My heart is broken, and I can't catch my breath. I keep feeling like I am going to throw up and then I start sobbing. My dear SAM, my Josephy, is "no longer with us". That's what the email from his mom said. I don't want to believe it's true. I look at all these little pieces and think that it can't really be true. She doesn't call him Joe. Only I did. I can't breathe. I keep sucking in air, but it feels like not enough. I don't want it to be true. I lost it in front of the kids. When I first read the note from his mother...just the heading put me on edge and I didn't want to read it because I didn't want it to be real. I closed myself in the bathroom and sat against the wall and just cried and wailed. Noah came in to check on me. After I got it together, I went out to my chair to read the note again. To look on the internet for any information. Nothing. And then the tears came again. Gabby came over and...

For each of us, the timing of when to let go differs just as does each situation in which we need to let go in order for us to reach the next step in our journey. I have been holding on to a special someone and comparing each person who has come into my life to what he brought into my life. Last week, as the pain from missing him mixed in with so much else going on was weighing on me, I knew something need to change. This weekend, little-by-little, I was able to figure out what that change is and start the process of letting go. It started off with my two little ones heading to NY for the next couple of weeks to be with their grandparents as they have for the last few summers. As close as our lives have become intertwined through the process of becoming a new family unit after our divorce and as we have all healed this last year, I was going to miss them more than ever. Usually, having them go is a happy time for me knowing what a great time they'll have and how wonderful th...