Before Joseph/SAM went off to the Middle East, he told me that if anything happened to him his mom had all my information and would contact me. He also told me that it would probably be weeks before the news would reach anyone. He knew the details would be sketchy at best, too. It was the nature of his work. All of those things are now holding true. And I hate that any of it had to play out at all.
I never really thought he'd be killed. I didn't believe he'd be in the field, but instead behind a computer aiding those in the field. Maybe that's just what I wanted to be true. I have hit the bargaining stage. I want this to be a big, elaborate lie made up so that I will move on and not believe there is a future for us, but who would be horrible enough to go this route? It would have been easier for him to send an email telling me I was nothing and never mattered than to tell me he's dead and never coming back. Ever.
I hate this war. It will never end, and I have too many friends whose lives have been impacted by it. My friend, Robert, who is in Afghanistan told me yesterday that he's being moved to Kandahar in a few weeks. When he told me that if I don't see him online for a while, I will know what happened. I almost lost it. I can't imagine losing yet another person I care about in a manner that will leave me with more questions than answers. This time next year, Russ will be heading to Afghanistan if all goes as planned for him, too.
I am getting ready to sign my lease for 18 months. I was able to get everything worked out to stay right where I am. Thank you, God!! When I learned on Thursday while I was at a golf outing with my co-workers that the leasing office got approval, I was so excited. I could sign for 18 months because that will allow me to pay off my debt and I thought about the fact that it would give me through the second year of Joseph's tour. That way, IF we were both still unattached and things worked out, he'd be able to find me. Silly thing, right?!
And then, I thought that even if that never happens, I know that what I really want is someone like him. Someone who made me feel strong even when I was weak. Someone who made me see myself through his eyes and I liked what I saw. Someone who listened to what I said and learned what I liked so he could show me he cared and was paying attention. Someone I can be myself with and not worry what he thought of who I was because he loved me...just as I am. Oh, Josephy, my sweet SAM, I am forever changed for the better because I had you in my life. You made me want more for myself and from myself. You made me believe in me. Your love lifted me up and pushed me forward. So, in parting, I have these two songs that have been reminders of where I am now because of you...