What if I told you that Joseph/SAM was created to hurt me? Made up to be everything I'd ever want and more? What if I told you everything I believed and knew him to be was an enormous hoax? All because someone wanted to give me what she felt I had given her. All that she felt I had taken from her. I have to admit that while people have hurt me before with their actions and decisions it has been for their own personal and selfish reasons. Usually not with malicious intent.
There has to be a lot of pain and hurt within a person to invest so much into the creation of a fictional character. Someone who would really take the time to know me. Someone who would enlist others to make the ruse real. To call me on the phone, to send me cards from the web, to pick out a card and leave it at a bar where the bartender who gave it to me told me how cute my guy was, to create a Facebook account with pictures and friends, to bring an ex-wife into the mix, pictures from the desert and your travels to Chicago and home, pictures of your body meant only for my eyes...to create a world that was not only plausible but which sucked me in and allowed me to love again. Kudos! Others have attempted to scam me before, but I have always been able to see the deception and the nuances that make it fake. Many hands, but one "voice" is usually hard to pull off. This was executed nearly flawlessly.
I fell for the hoax, the "man", and the whole shebang. I invited the person who did this to me into my life. Into my hurt. Into my hope. Into my home. I introduced her to my mom and my children. I cheered her on. I listened to her hopes and fears and her false bravado. I watched her make a new life and find happiness, love, and her forever. And, yet, she kept the illusion going. All as she watched me struggle. Cry. Mourn a death to a life that never was. Who does that?!
Trust is hard for me to begin with, but over and over again I let people in as I want to believe that people are inherently good. The fact of the matter is that too many are not good at all. They have been consumed by their brokenness. The daddy who was absent. The mommy that didn't love enough or who was too busy. The man who had all of you and walked away. Heart=broken. Spirit=crushed. In the end, though, what we do with those things is what makes us who we are. God knew that my heart was one that would love deeply so He made it like that of Joseph who finds forgiveness even in the midst of betrayal and hurt and hate. He finds a way to love those who know not what they do because they cannot see through their own hurt and pain. I choose the high road. I choose to turn the other cheek. It's hard in the midst of the hurt, the anger, and the pain, but the alternative is to give my power over to someone else. To allow them to win. And I am not a good loser. I choose to take all the hurt and turn it into experience. I choose to learn and grow and move on to something better. I choose...because it is the ONE thing that I can control...ME!