Sometimes, Reality is Worse

What if I told you that Joseph/SAM was created to hurt me? Made up to be everything I'd ever want and more? What if I told you everything I believed and knew him to be was an enormous hoax? All because someone wanted to give me what she felt I had given her. All that she felt I had taken from her. I have to admit that while people have hurt me before with their actions and decisions it has been for their own personal and selfish reasons. Usually not with malicious intent. 

There has to be a lot of pain and hurt within a person to invest so much into the creation of a fictional character. Someone who would really take the time to know me. Someone who would enlist others to make the ruse real. To call me on the phone, to send me cards from the web, to pick out a card and leave it at a bar where the bartender who gave it to me told me how cute my guy was, to create a Facebook account with pictures and friends, to bring an ex-wife into the mix, pictures from the desert and your travels to Chicago and home, pictures of your body meant only for my create a world that was not only plausible but which sucked me in and allowed me to love again. Kudos! Others have attempted to scam me before, but I have always been able to see the deception and the nuances that make it fake. Many hands, but one "voice" is usually hard to pull off. This was executed nearly flawlessly.

I fell for the hoax, the "man", and the whole shebang. I invited the person who did this to me into my life. Into my hurt. Into my hope. Into my home. I introduced her to my mom and my children. I cheered her on. I listened to her hopes and fears and her false bravado. I watched her make a new life and find happiness, love, and her forever. And, yet, she kept the illusion going. All as she watched me struggle. Cry. Mourn a death to a life that never was. Who does that?! 

Trust is hard for me to begin with, but over and over again I let people in as I want to believe that people are inherently good. The fact of the matter is that too many are not good at all. They have been consumed by their brokenness. The daddy who was absent. The mommy that didn't love enough or who was too busy. The man who had all of you and walked away. Heart=broken. Spirit=crushed. In the end, though, what we do with those things is what makes us who we are. God knew that my heart was one that would love deeply so He made it like that of Joseph who finds forgiveness even in the midst of betrayal and hurt and hate. He finds a way to love those who know not what they do because they cannot see through their own hurt and pain. I choose the high road. I choose to turn the other cheek. It's hard in the midst of the hurt, the anger, and the pain, but the alternative is to give my power over to someone else. To allow them to win. And I am not a good loser. I choose to take all the hurt and turn it into experience. I choose to learn and grow and move on to something better. I choose...because it is the ONE thing that I can control...ME!


  1. This wasn't my creation, it was my end. I've seen the posts on your blog, by someone other than I....a page bookmarked on a home computer somewhere in hurt you more. I tried to help you, and "death" was the only way, this was so much bigger than I/We, this kept going to hurt ME. Knowing I was your friend, and that wasn't acceptable. Who did you speak to? Who dropped off that card....? I have no knowledge of these things, half a world away in Arizona during those events...

  2. Whatever it was to you, it was so much more to me. And I am left with wisps of a life and a love that never was.

  3. so you'd have rather never known the truth? I'm sorry I had to be the bad guy, but if it drug on and you told me one more detail I didn't know I was gonna go to Ohio and get arrested. I know you don't see it that way, but I was protecting you....I was sick of it continuing and sick of not being able to tell you the truth.

  4. I would have rather not had my emotions played with and my heart broken. I would rather have not fallen for someone who was dream. A figment of the imagination of what a woman--me--would want. I would have rather you told me the moment you knew you wanted to be my friend or to have ended it then...before I fell so hard. And killing "him" off and allowing me to mourn such a loss...the worst part of it--especially given how much death I had in my life already this year.
    That is the problem with secrets and lies, though, they become a web that ensnares you and some don't ever escape and those that do are not without harm.

  5. Right right, and like you I'd have hoped you never would have caused me the pain I went through, whether you acknowledge it or not. I get it though, and it sucks either way. Keep blogging about the monsters in your life...just try and think of all the things you contributed to. I'm done apologizing

  6. I don't need your apologies. It's over and done. You can choose to believe that it was me that caused your relationship to end or you can choose to acknowledge that people make up their own minds and in order to lessen the blow to themselves they tell other people what they believe will make it an easier pill to swallow. Remember, I was the T at one time in my marriage and know what the L side of things was told...and it wasn't the truth. The men who cheat on their wives also lie. Just sayin'!

  7. Then I should probably tell you, I only told you he doesn't exist so you'd get over it, and move on with your life. I was sick of seeing you hurt, but he was very much real.....nothing ever works as planned...

  8. Anonymous, I am so confused. Let me get this straight.

    You created an imaginary man for her to love.
    You go through this huge hoax to break her heart because you were in involved with a married man thinking he wouldn't choose his family over you and you want to blame her for your bad choice.
    Then because you can't watch her keep loving this "hoax", you kill him off and rip her heart out.
    Then to "help" her because you care so much and can't watch her mourn this man she loved, you tell her the man is a hoax, except you justify your actions because she hurt you first.
    Now, you are saying the hoax was a hoax, the man really existed, and he really died.

    Which lie is the real lie?

  9. The truth is I agreed to be involved in this, because someone was hurt, and I feel for YOU - and the basis for these lies didn't allow the truth to come out, plus I just did 6 months in the sand box, so I had to leave - the whole killing me off was stupid, but was decided as the best option. No one wants to see YOU in pain, the things I told you were true, to a point, my life is more settled, and I travel a lot, and I'll always consider Cleveland and home (well Akron), but it's not where my heart is. As for the married guy, he's no better than me. We both choose our "family," we both were married, and things will always be complicated. I received an email about your accident....and I hope you're doing well.

    1. I am glad you made it home safely. I believe the truth is always the best option. I would rather be hurt by the truth than lies any day.
      Married. Wow. That was one I did not expect. Glad to hear your life is more settled and that you chose your "family". I wish the best for you with that.
      I am doing well. Just sore.


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