Struggles. We all have them. My (latest) favorite saying is, "We all have our things." And for me, my "thing" is wanting to eat to fill the emptiness inside. And not like carrots and apples and good for you stuff. Oh, No! The really bad for you stuff. I crave sugary treats. I have been doing so well with my eating lately and have been exercising for the last few weeks as well, but last night nearly took me down.
I was struggling with wanting to run--not walk--into the kitchen and make myself a bowl of cereal with some Craisins or a fruit smoothie or a PB&J. I prayed instead. Almost to the point of tears, I begged God for this to pass. I ate some carrots. I drank some more water. I contemplated some tea. I got out my swiss ball and did some wall squats as I watched TV. I had already been out for a walk earlier with ML, too, but I felt like I was coming out of my skin. OBSESSING about eating something. It wasn't food that I wanted, though. I wanted to feed the need. The want. The desire. To be held. To be loved. I feel sad just writing that now.
I am struggling with loneliness right now and I am not alone. My kids are here. I am surrounded by friends. I am thankful and blessed, but it's not enough. Which makes me feel horrible to say, too. I feel guilty for feeling like I do. But still, I feel the way I do.
I was struggling with wanting to run--not walk--into the kitchen and make myself a bowl of cereal with some Craisins or a fruit smoothie or a PB&J. I prayed instead. Almost to the point of tears, I begged God for this to pass. I ate some carrots. I drank some more water. I contemplated some tea. I got out my swiss ball and did some wall squats as I watched TV. I had already been out for a walk earlier with ML, too, but I felt like I was coming out of my skin. OBSESSING about eating something. It wasn't food that I wanted, though. I wanted to feed the need. The want. The desire. To be held. To be loved. I feel sad just writing that now.
I am struggling with loneliness right now and I am not alone. My kids are here. I am surrounded by friends. I am thankful and blessed, but it's not enough. Which makes me feel horrible to say, too. I feel guilty for feeling like I do. But still, I feel the way I do.
You are crazy courageous!
ReplyDeleteHow can I help?
I feel like a weakling. And maybe that is a good thing. For when I am weak, He is strong. Maybe it's just what I need. I am learning to take these things to the altar. So, pray that I remember that I am not Atlas and the world is not mine to carry. I am a tender woman who just needs her Daddy's arms and to remember to surrender it all to Him.
DeleteYou did the right thing. You turned to Him. I remember those feelings and the days and nights watching what seemed to be every other human in the world WITH someone to hold them. I handled those feelings the wrong way. I did not turn to God as much as I should have. And, I think you recognize that the food is simply a replacement for what you truly want. Big Hugs! I know this is a very rough time for you. I will be praying. Love you!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Lo! Love you, too!
DeleteIts so normal to feel lonely. Its more than being with people, its feeling connected. The higher you travel on your journey to living an enlighten life the lonelier it gets. Im lonely too.
ReplyDeleteConnectedness. That's exactly it. Someone who gets me. Who connects without the need for saying all the things deep inside. That's it exactly!
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