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Friday, August 26, 2011

Rest in Peace, my love...

I can't stop crying. My heart is broken, and I can't catch my breath. I keep feeling like I am going to throw up and then I start sobbing.

My dear SAM, my Josephy, is "no longer with us". That's what the email from his mom said. I don't want to believe it's true. I look at all these little pieces and think that it can't really be true. She doesn't call him Joe. Only I did. I can't breathe. I keep sucking in air, but it feels like not enough. I don't want it to be true.

I lost it in front of the kids. When I first read the note from his mother...just the heading put me on edge and I didn't want to read it because I didn't want it to be real.

I closed myself in the bathroom and sat against the wall and just cried and wailed. Noah came in to check on me. After I got it together, I went out to my chair to read the note again. To look on the internet for any information. Nothing. And then the tears came again.

Gabby came over and held me as I sobbed against her little chest. I can't believe he's gone.

I can't believe that all the cards that still sit in my bin will never get to be given to him. I can't believe I will never touch him. Feel him against me. Have his arms wrapped around me. Never look into his eyes. Never hear him call me sweets again. Never get to tell him face to face that I love him, that he was everything to me and I never had a day since the day of our first exchange that he wasn't on my mind and in my heart. All I have of him is a card, some silly bands and happy thoughts.

Josephy, your time in my life was WAY too short and I will miss you always and forever!


This one's for you...

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