For each of us, the timing of when to let go differs just as does each situation in which we need to let go in order for us to reach the next step in our journey. I have been holding on to a special someone and comparing each person who has come into my life to what he brought into my life. Last week, as the pain from missing him mixed in with so much else going on was weighing on me, I knew something need to change. This weekend, little-by-little, I was able to figure out what that change is and start the process of letting go.
It started off with my two little ones heading to NY for the next couple of weeks to be with their grandparents as they have for the last few summers. As close as our lives have become intertwined through the process of becoming a new family unit after our divorce and as we have all healed this last year, I was going to miss them more than ever. Usually, having them go is a happy time for me knowing what a great time they'll have and how wonderful this special time with their grandparents is for all of them. Gabby told me that she wanted to stay with me and not go this year which broke my heart. I wanted her to stay, too, but I knew that once she got there she would be glad she'd gone. I miss my little snuggle buddy and her brother whose laughter gives me such joy. It was hard being around family with all of their kids and wishing mine were there as well. The blessing is that with the little ones gone, my son, Matty, joined me for all the festivities. It had been a long time since he'd been with my family and it was good having his company and renewing our relationship.
Being with my family always reminds me that I am single. It's hard to be single in the midst of all those happy couples; complete families. That may not be how it is for other people, but that is how it is for me. I loved being part of my little family in the midst of my big family. It's an adjustment to be a different, seemingly incomplete, family unit now. I don't stay nearly as long because it weighs on my heart and most times because it seems so many family events happen when the kids are with their dad. My mom is my near-constant companion for these events.
As the questions around the kids and my exes new marriage began, so did inquiries into my love life. That one that is non-existent. I know they just want to know if I am happy, but it's just a reminder that I don't have a special someone. First came the questions around Russ and who he was. Everyone was hoping he was someone new in my life. I explained he's an old friend and not a new flame. Then, it happened. My cousin to whom I am closest said, "Oh, that's because you're still holding onto [SAM], but he should be home soon. It's got to have been a year already." I then had to explain that what was originally said to be a year was actually 2 years and could be as many as 4, 5, 7...who knows. My aunt came into the conversation and wanted to know what we were talking about so we caught her up. No one mentioned the name SAM, but she started singing "secret agent man, secret agent man..." and I had to laugh since that is his nickname. My cousin was right, though. No one is him. No one ever will be. What I learned, though, is that it was time to let him go.
There is so much I love about SAM and there is so much that he brought to my life in the short time he was in it. When he left, it hurt. He remained available and connected for a while, too. That was everything to me, and then he was gone and it broke me in ways I had not expected. It's taken all this year to get me heading back in the right direction, but it has to start with moving forward and not holding on to something that almost was. I can't keep waiting for him and while I say I am not, I am. Every man is compared against him. Every possibility causes me to look at the "what if he came back, how would I feel then?" scenario. I never get further than the first conversation if I let anyone get that far. It's not fair to me or to him to have this unmet expectation of what if there could be a future. I can't live my today hoping for what the future could bring. I finally know what I want from a relationship, a partner, a future. I have been the only thing holding myself back from achieving it. Now, I release that and choose to live each moment for what it is in it's time.
SAM, I love you. I wish the best for you. I hope someday we will meet for the first time as I always wanted you to let it be me...