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Monday, January 16, 2012

Never Far from My Thoughts

On the day of my accident, a week ago now to be exact, I was having quite a lovely day and a beautiful trip down memory lane. Memory lane was quite full with things of the past and questions about what might be going on in the lives of the people that are more in my rearview mirror nowadays. For whatever reason, road trips (when I don't bring along an audiobook to listen to), always put me in a pensive place. And when I think, often times my thoughts end up on SAM. This time was no different.

Sometimes, I go back through our different communications to see if I can register times when it was him and times when it was someone else, but this time I was thinking more about the "what If's". I am sure my upcoming trip to Chicago put him once again into my thoughts. I wondered if I would see him on the flight or in the airport. I wondered if I would know him if I saw him or if the photos I had seen were also of someone else. I know there are some photos that no one else saw that were definitely of him, but it's unlikely I could use those images to identify him in public. I wondered if I would ever have more answers than questions so I could really have the closure I need. 

I thought about Lisa, too, and wondered if she'd been home over the holidays or if I would ever bump into her at a Jack Ford's concert again. That night, I got an email from her. It's funny how sometimes you get your answers and other times, you're just left with questions. I become tempted to be her friend at times, but it's not her friendship I truly want. It's answers. It's SAM. For her, I wish her the best and happy times, but for me I don't wish to fall back into what was. She represents a past that I have no desire for anymore. 

Making friends has never been challenging for me, but knowing which ones to trust has gotten me in trouble often. I believe that most people are truly good, but that wrong decisions and poor choices takes each of us to places where we find we don't always like ourselves. How we handle things once we find ourselves there is what I believe can resurrect a friendship/relationship or bury it for good. A repeated offense when there is opportunity to tell the truth and make amends is another area that can save or sink my trust. I have a forgiving nature and I love those I allow into my life very much. I care about them. About their hopes and dreams. About their failures and fears. I suppose that is why even when I have chosen to let them go, they are still never far from my thoughts.

2 comments:

  1. A game yes, real feelings involved yes, the inability to walk a way - YES, someone trying to spare your feelings, knowing that I'd kept on yes......place blame where it belongs....with ME

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    1. I am not a blame kind of girl. You should know that about me. I am more about lessons learned. I learned many things. I will always care about Lisa regardless of the choices she made and how they affected me. Whatever lead you to want to be in the middle of this, I don't know. What I do know is that you meant/mean something to me, but your life and choices have taken you in a different direction. I get that. You will always have a special place in my heart and I hope to find someone who gets me like you did, but also someone who is emotionally and physically available. Someone who chooses me and whatever that future means...just like you chose your family and that future. I hope it's everything you desire and more. I'll always love and care about you.

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