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Friday, July 8, 2011

Another Season of Change

Summer for the past three years has been a season of change for me. In 2009, I told my husband I wanted a divorce on May 20th, moved out while our little ones were this his parents in NY for 3 weeks and then moved home for a week before I moved into my new place. Last summer, I reconnected with my first love, had my first post-divorce heartbreak, emptied my proverbial closet and had a very dark time as my boss resigned, everyone at our company took a pay cut, and I had to let three more of my staff go all while trying to climb out of my current abyss of emotion and pain. This year, my ex remarried on Memorial Day weekend, Matthew failed four courses and is considered a sophomore until he passes his summer school which starts Monday, Noah is being bullied by a bunch of boys in my development and it's gotten physical, and then my lease renewal came about and my rent which is already very high is going up another $100, and lastly, my company hasn't recovered to the point where any of us knows we'll still be as we are right now even though we are heading in a positive direction.  Everything has come to a head and August will once again be a time of transition.

All these things, like last year, are coming to a head at once. July is a time of changes and unknowns leading to August where the changes become my new reality. It's time to move on in so many areas of my life, but I have no answers and no plans. I hate that. I was talking to my mom about it because when this all hits at once, I get overwhelmed and it can lead me to shut down as I try to process through everything. Her advice was to pick one thing at a time and address it. So, I started with my lease.

I don't want to move. I love my little home. It's quiet there. It is safe for the kids to play (other than this bully problem) and for me to run no matter the time of the day. It's the perfect size and even though it's a cluster home where 4 homes are joined at the garage and I share a common wall with the family behind me, it is rare that I hear my neighbors. I have a pool, a gym, a pond where Noah can fish and it has a walking trail around it. It has been just the right thing for me for the past two years. I talked to the leasing manager to see if I can get her to leave my rent as it is now since my moving out means they have to upgrade my whole place. She said they're raising their prices for new move ins and my rent is still $80 cheaper than theirs will be. With that, I signed my notice to vacate and went home to cry a bit. I had planned to live here until I married again and either moved in with my spouse or bought a home with him. Now, I have no idea what the right answer is. Rent somewhere else? Buy? For now, I choose neither and will move in with my mom until things at work and settle some more.

I don't want to leave my job. I love it here. I love the people, what I do, and the say I have with regard to how we support our end customer. Additionally, I have an opportunity to see a company through the worst of times into the best of times while being part of the solution and driving that change. That's something I would be hard-pressed to have an opportunity to do again. I have always enjoyed being with newly formed companies since I left the Navy. In fact, each company I worked for was a start-up or newly formed in a given area when I started with them. I love helping to build and create that. Plus, it keeps me from getting bored. At the company I worked for the longest--just over nine years--I was promoted about every eighteen months or so. That's the bonus of a new company, stagnation is rare; those that stagnate fail! Right now, our CEO is in a meeting that should set our course for the next 12 months. We'll see where that takes us.

In my personal life, there is stagnation. I have no active online profiles. My only professional networking is with my peers at HDI or IT Martini where mostly the men are married or 20-something boys in the IT staffing industry. I suppose that's the challenge with being in IT even though it is very male-dominated still. I'm on Facebook, but I talk to all my friends and my guy friends who are local are all happily married. My guy friends who are single are from my Navy days and live all over the country. I was just telling someone the other day that even with online dating, when either or both of you have kids, the likelihood of someone moving to the other is nil. I live where I live because of my kids and sharing custody with their dad. That is a dating limiter. As is having 3 kids. I know that when I am looking at men I would date, if they have more than 2 kids or young kids, I am not interested in pursuing that. I was telling my friend, John, who also has 3 kids and shared custody with his ex that I'm to the point where I am about to resolve to shelve dating until the kids are grown. Then, all the previous factors are gone for me. Ugh! I dunno.

I'm in my crabby, flip, "why plan for anything?!" mode because plans never seem to work out. Flying by the seat of my pants makes me a little anxious, but trusting that God has my best interests at heart reminds me that sometimes the best things in life are the things that were unplanned. #DeepBreath #LivingPlanB

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