This year hasn't been the best. It's honestly been a bit of a struggle. In January, JM broke up with me and not only broke off our romantic relationship, but dropped off the face of the earth as my friend too. The later hurting me more than the former since I valued him as a friend. In February, Lenny, my stepdad started to lose his faculties and we knew that death was nearer than it had been any time before he'd originally entered hospice in July last year. The two weeks preceding his death were some of the hardest of my life as I watched him struggle to let go of his life on this side of heaven. He passed away March 10. I walked into the room to see him as my mom prepared us a meal. He'd breathed his last from the time that she left the room to let me in and me walking in to see him. It was the first time I'd been with someone who'd died. My cat, Princess, who still lived with my ex died next. My daughter called me sobbing and needing comfort. I told her about the day my little sister handed her to me and told me I should bring her home. I looked at Pep and said, "She wants to live with us. Can she?" He said he could never say no to me when I look at him with that face (you know the one!), and she had been with our family from that day until her death 14 years later. A week after that, my hamster, Griff, died. My dog, Jack, and I were crushed. Jack and he were besties. Then, in April, my granny fell and hit her head after what they believed was an aneurysm burst in her head. Her death took 6 days and allowed her children and grandchildren to get to closure as we said goodbye. Her death was peace. She knows Jesus and looked forward to their meeting. My mom was with her when she entered Heaven and I was on a plane. Last night, I came home and my sweet Jack just wasn't himself. I finally figured out why when he started into my hamster, Cow's, cage and then lay down in front of it. I looked in and saw no movement and then lifted the igloo. He, too, had died. My grief has felt like a constant companion as the losses continue to mount.
While all this is happening, I feel my work in my current role also coming to an end. I just always know when it's time to move on. I become ready. Doors start to open and others start to close. I start to see the change around me and the road blocks where I am as well as the opportunities elsewhere. I start to prepare my team and plan for what's to come. It's in this place that I keep coming back to the verses God gave me at the beginning of this year, Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV), "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understaning. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight [direct] your path." (which also happens to be my granny's favorite verse and got her through life with a sometimes recovering alcoholic and 11 kids including the first one born with mental deficits) and Isaiah 55:8-9, "For My thoughts are not your thoughts. Neither are you ways My ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." These verses continue to remind me that I don't understand the reason behind why this?, why now?, why all in such a short window?, or any of the other questions that come from what I've already gone through this year, but remind me to rest in who God is and not on what my circumstances say about what this all could mean. I can spend my whole life trying to guess, but still I won't know unless He wants me to. What I think He really wants, though, is to know I can rest my life and my path safely with Him. So I do.
I won't tell you that resting in God is easy for me. I am a doer. A what-if-er. A get stuff done kind of girl. This time continues to draw me to Him and lay myself and my circumstances at His feet and say, I don't understand, but I do trust you; remold me as you see fit. Everything I have and everything I am is Yours. And I'll also tell you that's scary AF because God can do anything and sometimes He does or allows some really tough stuff that will have you curling the fingers of your open hands right back up because you might not be serious about it some days. I keep unfurling my hands and believing that even through His refiner's fires His ways are best and right.
While all this is happening, I feel my work in my current role also coming to an end. I just always know when it's time to move on. I become ready. Doors start to open and others start to close. I start to see the change around me and the road blocks where I am as well as the opportunities elsewhere. I start to prepare my team and plan for what's to come. It's in this place that I keep coming back to the verses God gave me at the beginning of this year, Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV), "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understaning. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight [direct] your path." (which also happens to be my granny's favorite verse and got her through life with a sometimes recovering alcoholic and 11 kids including the first one born with mental deficits) and Isaiah 55:8-9, "For My thoughts are not your thoughts. Neither are you ways My ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." These verses continue to remind me that I don't understand the reason behind why this?, why now?, why all in such a short window?, or any of the other questions that come from what I've already gone through this year, but remind me to rest in who God is and not on what my circumstances say about what this all could mean. I can spend my whole life trying to guess, but still I won't know unless He wants me to. What I think He really wants, though, is to know I can rest my life and my path safely with Him. So I do.
I won't tell you that resting in God is easy for me. I am a doer. A what-if-er. A get stuff done kind of girl. This time continues to draw me to Him and lay myself and my circumstances at His feet and say, I don't understand, but I do trust you; remold me as you see fit. Everything I have and everything I am is Yours. And I'll also tell you that's scary AF because God can do anything and sometimes He does or allows some really tough stuff that will have you curling the fingers of your open hands right back up because you might not be serious about it some days. I keep unfurling my hands and believing that even through His refiner's fires His ways are best and right.
Comments
Post a Comment