I was talking to a friend today about something from my past that changed me at an early age. I just didn't realize it until I was much older. When I wrote out these things to him, something finally made sense to me. That little girl was lost. That is why I see her little blonde head at Jesus' feet. She clings, she weeps, she looks for love, acceptance, and comfort. Things that only Jesus can give because only he knows what happened to that little girl in those times so long ago. Only he knows what happened to her and what was taken and changed in her. She never looked at me before, but now she can. Now she knows that she has survived and is okay.
She never understood what happened; she was too young to have known any better. She never spoke of those times. She put those memories in a dark closet for a very long time until someone asked her if those things could have happened. It was soon after I'd married and we were going through counseling. I said that when I would "watch" us have sex as if I was "floating above", I felt that my partner was not engaged. This is a detachment or dissociative behavior; a survival technique. My ex was the longest relationship I had ever had. I never knew nor had I ever had this detachment happen before--well, other than when I was with someone I didn't want to be with.
I gave my body away many times. It was just a thing because I didn't relate it to an emotional connection or tie. It was sex. It was fun and exciting. It was pleasurable. A lot of times, there was alcohol involved so my inhibitions were gone. Don't get me wrong, I am not proud of my behavior or justifying what I did in any way. I just didn't know or understand why I could be the way I was. Most of the women I know who have been sexually abused do not like sex. Even in the safety and security of a deeply loved and cared for partner, they continue to find it to be difficult. I thought I loved it. I was always ready for it. I craved the closeness of it and felt wanted. It was not what I really was craving, though.
What I really wanted--what I still want--is to be loved. With real love, sex can truly be an intimate, safe, loving encounter. There is nothing dirty or bad about it when you share it with the right person. At least, that is what I hope to be true. The last person I had sex with--and the only person for 15 years prior to that--was my husband and that was 21 months ago tomorrow. Why do I know the date? Because when we'd finished, he said, "WOW!" When I inquired as to what that was all about, he wasn't going to tell me, but I persevered until he did. What he told me was that when one is "really engaged and thinking about and being with the person they're with" it's "amazing!" My heart shattered. He saw it in my eyes and told me he knew he should not have told me. I felt dirty and used and like a prostitute in that moment. You may not understand that feeling or the why behind it, but it's a really shitty thing. It makes the "not enough", "worthless", "naughty" girl feelings come back again.
It's been a long road for me to come back from the years of feeling like I am "worthless", "not enough" and "naughty" (and not in the good way--haha!). I laugh and joke and make light of things because that's what gets me through. There are times that I fall back to this because of how life unfolds, but I am determined to still believe that all that is behind me has happened to make all that is before me all the more special. My experiences have allowed me to connect with other women who've been through the same thing and share the love of one who knows that there is always just enough light for the step that you're on...you just have to look for it.