And I, I'm desperate for YouThat's how I am feeling. So, I breathe in deeply, close my eyes, and exhale slowly. Don't worry, I was stopped at a light when I did this! I wasn't worried about being late for work, I was feeling a meltdown coming on. I was on the cusp of life overwhelming me in that moment; built up from many moments and the unsettledness in my life. I hate feeling as if everything is spiraling out of control and I can't change anything other than my attitude. Because, in all honesty, some days I don't have it in me to change my attitude and I don't seek the One who can. Sometimes, I give in...and allow myself to fall...
And I, I'm lost without You
I'm desperate for You (desperate for You)
I'm lost without You (lost without You)
At church Sunday, we were talking about faith. Faith was stated as "trusting in what you can't see because of what you can see." Look all around you and marvel at what has been created. The details. The intricacies. The beauty. Nothing has been left out. The interconnectedness of all things in purposeful. It reminds me of something I learned in one of my college courses to debunk the Big Bang Theory. If you look at an explosion, it is chaotic. If you look at the universe, it is not disordered by any means...it is perfectly and wonderfully made. Yes, MADE! Created, planned, spoken into being. It takes matter's existence based on the most fundamental laws of modern physics which tell us that matter can not be just created--it needs something to be there, either in the form of other matter or energy.1
"In the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you." ~Tolstoy
So, instead of a meltdown, I got 6 posts from SAM which meant he wasn't gone...just not around like I really need him to be. I went through all sorts of emotions: relief, anger, sadness, love, hope... And I was reminded that faith is about a lot of different things just like trusting is. Sometimes we have to do them because there is no other way to survive this life without them. I had an amazing day: successful client visit, was told we had an amazing and skilled team by a partner, got good news from my CEO's meeting. While I don't have any more resolution today than I did entering into my day. And I breathe, just breathe. Shutting my eyes and feeling just the sensation of that breath entering into my body and leaving my body. I am reminded that I need to have faith, to believe, to trust, and to hope. I hope for things I won't put into words for fear of a letdown; instead, I breathe and remember that "winter just wasn't my season..."
SAM, if you've read this far...this one is for you...Colbie Caillet's songs will forever remind me of you: