My journey from the realization that I was sleepwalking through my life through where I am today--living my life and taking ownership of who I am becoming each day!
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Sunday, June 19, 2011
"When the world says 'Give Up', Hope whispers try it one more time."
I believe in second chances. I hope you do as well. Never give up believing that past hurts can be healed and that new hope can be breathed into them. I wrote a blog about my issues around abandonment back in December. Those issues and feelings are very real. At the same time, though, I have had healing on many of those fronts. In that healing, I have come to realize that it's not truly time that heals all wounds, but sometimes the time that has passed allows us to have a new perspective of those wounds that allow them to heal more fully.
I have a relationship today with my mother that I had always desired when I was growing up. I loved her so very much and wanted to have a close relationship with her; one in which I could count her amongst my friends. Today, I can happily say I have that. She is the first person I want to call when good things happen in my life. When my world seems to be falling in around me, she is also my lifeline. It has taken us years to get to this point and there are still more wounds that need healing, and in their time they will get aired out and I will move on from them. I also keep in mind my mom's hurts and pains. Children learn what they live. Sometimes it is just that reason that the things we learned need to be unlearned and fought through and we need to get passed them. Healing for me and my mom also means that each of us needs to be at the right place to get through the next challenge. She has to be as ready to hear what I have to say as I have to be to say what it is on my heart. In the meantime, we pray through these things so that the words and our minds are ready for that time.
The Marine who was my first love has come back into my life twice. The first time I ended up hurt again. This time, I am freed. We have gently cared for each others hurts and heart. We have shared our thoughts and memories of the good times, the bad times and the times when we wondered what if. He is a friend who knows what it is like to have 3 children. He knows what it is like to struggle with a child who has ADHD and children who are willful. He knows the pain of betrayal and mistrust in a marriage and of losing your forever. He knows that when you have invested so many years in a marriage and in another person, you can't just walk away like it never happened. That history exists. That relationship is deeply woven into you and this is a wound that time licks the wounds over and over in hopes of healing them little by little. He is also a man that understands that God will make a way in the midst of all the hurts and brokenness, but it is in His timing. Soon, I hope to get to see my sweet Marine again so we can sit on the porch and laugh as we did so many years ago at his home in Louisiana. While he and I don't have a future together as a couple, our friendship has sustained us through a tough year for both of us.
I am still working on healing from the wounds bore through my marriage and our failure in it. While my ex cheated on me many times, he was not the only one to blame. I can say that I was the way I was in return because of how what happened made me feel, but I know that I had a choice in that, too. Many times I made the right choice and I sucked it up and took the high road and tried to be the wife I believed I was supposed to be. Yet, I see how I also fell short. What I have learned since is that there are things I would do differently. I do see God doing a good work in me now to prepare me for that next time. I have learned to let others do things for me. I love to have a door opened for me, someone to know what I like and get that for me or do that for me without having to be asked to do so, someone to hold me when I cry and know it's okay to lean into them because I don't have to hold it all inside. I have learned to run instead of run away. I have learned that treating a man with respect and not putting him down regardless of my believing he is deserving of it is important to him. I truly believe that if I build him up even when he's struggling to be his best will help him to achieve his best. If instead I choose to berate him and tear him down because he's not doing it in my time or my pace, that I do more damage and prolong his road to becoming all he is meant to be. In return, I want to be loved even when I am not at my best because it is through that love that I will find my best, too. I am sure that is the yin and yang piece. Men and women were made to compliment one another through the methods by which God made them to crave; a woman desires to be loved while a man desires to be respected. We all want what it is we need deep down inside ourselves.
My best guy pal from the Navy and I had a falling out back in 1994. Later that same year I married. He and I didn't talk until he came back in my life in 2008 before he deployed to Iraq for a year. It was his love for me that finally reminded me that I can be loved just as I am. We had a rocky road through the next couple of years, but things started to right themselves for good this year. He came to visit me this past weekend and it was so wonderful to have him here. He was great with my little ones and they mostly enjoyed him. My son was not into having him stay here with us even though I explained that he is my best friend, not my boyfriend, and that he won't hurt me or harm me. My son is super protective of me. As Russ said, he believes he's the man of my house regardless of my trying to make this an environment where he never has to be relied upon in such a way. I have to admit that I thought Russ would bail or find a reason to not be able to make it here or go home early. He made it and stayed until Sunday morning just like he said he would. He let me take him everywhere. Not only did he meet my two little ones, he met my mom and some of my friends as well. We hung out at the pool with some of the people from the development. We took a walk around my running path. I took him through my hometown, along the shoreway, into downtown, around our museum district and into Little Italy for pizza at Mama Santa's and then coffee at Presti's Bakery. I could not have asked for a better weekend with my best bud from my aircrew days.
Me and Russ out with my friend 06/18/11
Even though my mom was sizing him up as son-in-law material, I am pretty sure Russ and I will forever be just friends.Russ said to me this morning as he was getting me ready for him to leave, "I love you, but I miss my family." He was just coming back from 2 weeks of training midway between our two locations which is why he came to see me. He asked me if I knew how special I am to him. I do. He's been there for me through a whole lot of not so great times and some super amazing times. Our friendship survived through some things that many don't ever come out of. I am thankful for second chances at the relationships in life that really matter. Regardless of feelings we've had above and beyond friendship throughout our relationship, it seems that being friends is what suits our hearts best. As I explained to my mom, no matter who else has come into my life since I met SAM, he's still the one I can't let go of and I still don't know what may be with him if anything. Either I will release SAM in my heart at some point, or he really will come back to me--either for closure or forever. Only time will tell. I have been told that I am that girl that is unforgettable; the one that's hard to let go of...I hope that's the case for him, too!