I have TONS of knowledge about how to lose weight. I know what exercises to do. I know what foods to eat. I know what works for me and what doesn't. If I do nothing with that knowledge other than spew it out my mouth or ruminate about it in my head, I am never going to change where I am in this growth process. I will keep repeating the journey and hitting the same roadblocks and challenges. That too is only half of the issue...or a third. This is a Mind-Body-Spirit journey. It's not just about nutrition and calories in-calories out. If that were the case, there would be many more success stories. If you look at the number of people who have bariatric surgery and then return to their previous habits, their previous weights and beyond, you'll see that the issue is far deeper.
This journey is really one of an inside-out change. If I don't address the internal issues, I will forever have the external shell I have now or will return to what I had before. When I look in the mirror I see a pretty face, but when I look at my body, I see myself heading back to where I was before. That's a good thing--that I am seeing it (and feeling it, fortunately or unfortunately). This is all of my own making, though. No one else put the food in my body. No one else caused me to not exercise. Since I stopped exercising, I have lost much of the muscle definition and strength I had gained up through February. Which, now that I type that out, is a bit amusing since it was in February of the previous year that I actually added in exercise. And since I started this terrible lose-binge-lose-binge-eat whatever-feel bad-eat more (you get the picture) cycle, I weigh what I started the year at! UGH! So much for progress! So, now I am back to 35 lbs from my goal rather than under 20 like I had been when I met my initial goal for the year at the end of January 2011. I am WAY better at putting the weight on than taking it off. That is what I know! Until I understand what lies beneath my 'why I eat' cycles, I am bound to repeating them; this I know for certain!
I got an email today with the following message and it was sent with perfect timing:
'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.'
When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.
Concentrate on this sentence... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'
There comes a point in your life when you realize: Who matters,Who never did,Who won't anymore.And who always will.So, don't worry about people from your past,there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
This message was nothing I didn't already know, but it was something I needed to hear. I need to do something I have never done in order to end this cycle for good. I need to really dig deep and flush out the baggage and the people and the past that continues to impede my future. It's going to be a dark time as I face demons of the past and the things that continue to haunt me and weigh me down. I have to admit I am a little scared and I feel the tears welling up in my eyes and stinging with the weight of what lies beneath. It's time to remove the tough girl exterior and allow God in--all the way in--to the places that He knows, but still I keep buried to protect myself even from Him.
Yesterday, Acts 5 was the material our pastor presented us at church. In it, a married couple named Ananias and Sapphira sold property and lied to Peter who was speaking with the authority of the Holy Spirit. This lie lead them to be struck down dead at His feet. This is the same Lord who sent His son to die for us. He is just and holy. He is righteous and sovereign. He is the Potter and I am His clay. He can mold me if I allow Him to do so, and regardless of my desires He can strike me down, discard me, or mold me into something I've never dreamed. I think that's what scares me...not knowing how He wants to use me. Submitting and surrendering to that unknown even knowing that He has declared that He has "plans to prosper [me] and not to harm [me]", I am fearful. It's time to shed my fear and learn to trust that He Reigns and that should He want to take me from this world, it will be for His glory and honor.