I got to the point this week where all I could think about was that I was in over my head and I wanted to cry or run away or maybe a little of both. I am really enjoying my new company and the new job, but I am in the throws of lots of things that are so new and different for me, that I feel stretched to my limits of ability. It makes me wonder at times if I made the right decision. And then I remind myself that I am right where I am supposed to be. I pray that I can see past this moment and that God will grant me the abilities I need to get through this time. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I exhale. I take the next step forward.
It has been the kind of week where all I want is that person of my own. The one I can call and tell all the challenges of my day. Just like I wanted to call that person and tell them last week of all my accomplishment. But when I go through my mental Rolodex of who that person is, I come up empty. That person doesn't exist for me. My mom says she's happy to be that, but it's not the same. Pepe and I used to be that for one another and sometimes I think we both fall back to that in these times. I try not to let him be that to me, though, because he's not my husband anymore. He's someone else's husband now. I called him this week when I was so overwrought about an issue at work, but he was heading to pick up our oldest from work. He said he'd call me back.Instead, before he was able to call me, I worked my way through it and realized that I was over-tired, stressed, it was that time of the month, and I missed my babies...not a good combo. I told him not to worry. I worked it out and would be fine.
I snuggled down into my pillows and wished it was "his" chest instead; my special someone who I don't know. The person to whom I can tell all my secrets. The one I can let behind the mask of the strong girl who can handle anything to see the real me who wants to be held and comforted rather than strong. The one who wants to cry and know that it's ok because she's safe and loved. The one who wants that same man beside her in the good times cheering her on and knowing she's as proud of and amazed by him as he is of her. The one who will be perfect for her even given any of his imperfection. My faceless man.
Mid-afternoon on Friday, it was finally time to head home and I was SO ready. Plus, this meant I got to go through the mountains which are much more amazing about an hour to the west of where I was and that was where I wanted to be. As I was driving through the mountains, the sun was setting and casting beautiful purple and pink hues across the striated clouds. It was magnificent. I was tired and worn from this week that was full of challenges and stress. And then Gavin DeGraw's song, "Not Over You" came on and my eyes filled with tears. SAM has been occupying my thoughts for the last two weeks. I keep pushing him out of my head as it's all so full of question and hurt now. I hear Lisa's voice where I once heard his. I don't know what is real or fake. All I know is that I felt connected, seen, understood...loved. And now all I feel is hurt and betrayed. This song does say all I am feeling about what SAM was to me.
And right after that song comes my freedom song, "Come On Get Higher" by Matt Nathanson. I just shook my head and laughed. I wondered if my real SAM, whomever he really is, was thinking of me too.
In 2009 when I went to New England for the change of season shortly after moving out and filing for divorce, I listened to this song endlessly. I wanted someone to think of me like that. I escaped in the thought of it. The hope for it. The desire to have someone think of me with such abandon and longing. I want to be someone somebody, too. It's hard to go through these stressful times when you're alone. I have a bunch of friends, but they're not the ones I want in times like these. Though, I do appreciate my dear Catholic school girlfriends who were able to make it to our night out last night and listen to me after 5 hours in the car alone and way too much caffeine unload at mach speed the kind of week I had. I am blessed even in my state of overwhelm. Thank you, Jesus!