I think this is the hardest part of this new journey. Trying to understand why I let certain people--men mostly--into my life. Why did I want to be with them? What was it about them that I was drawn to? Why did I always seek the emotionally or physically unavailable? Why did I date the guys who were broken in some way? Why did I always think I could fix what was broken in someone else? Why didn't I fix what was broken in me first?
All very good and valid questions. It's not really fun to have your mom and your best friend always questioning your choices and your feelings because you SUCK at picking men. It's hard knowing that no one thinks you know what you're doing; I already feel screwed up enough about it that I don't need others reminding me how many times I have allowed myself to accept something less than what I deserved. TRUST ME! I KNOW! I was the one living it. Hindsight is amazing. The key for me is looking back at these relationships or whatever they were and figuring out how I missed the signs--or ignored them--and choosing to be more cognizant of them in the here and now. I have to tell you that there's nothing like always hearing what's wrong with this guy or that guy and how everyone knows better than me. It's great that you can see someone from a very removed perspective and judge them on YOUR perspective rather than trying to understand mine or theirs. Yes, sometimes they have been right on, but sometimes they haven't taken the time to see the whole picture.
On the wall in my office I have a copy of the serenity prayer. On the bottom of that paper, I have written in big, bold purple Sharpie marker: "THOU SHALL NOT SETTLE". It's my reminder that making not everyone is right for me or I for them. I truly agree with what Marilyn Monroe said: "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." I am THAT GIRL. I am worth it, but you need to be able to deal with me being opinionated, direct, head-strong, intelligent, challenging, passionate, compassionate, genuine, honest, driven, and so much more! I won't back down if I think I'm right, and I love to be right--though I'm not afraid to admit when I am wrong. At the same time, not everyone is for me either.
I am learning that there are very specific things I like in a man, too. First, I want a man who is a man. One who still has his man-card, but will still watch chick flicks with me...even if it's just for me! I really prefer a man with military experience or some type of service affiliation. If you can't carry a conversation, keep on walking! I don't do small talk...too much effort. If you talk in circles and can't get to the point, you've lost me already and I am no longer listening and have probably missed your intended point. I will put in the effort at first, and then I get BORED and DISTRACTED so I am off to meet someone else to keep me entertained. I don't say that to be bratty or mean...just sayin'! Puttin' it all out there. I hate talking on the phone, but if you can hold up your part of the conversation so we're not sitting there in silence and forcing me to think of stuff to chat about because I feel the need to fill the silence, I'll stay on the phone until I need to go to sleep and can't keep thinking or listening as I want to because I am ENGAGED in the conversation with that person.
In the end, I still have to figure out what really matters and what I will take and won't take. What I need and want and desire and what I should never accept or allow or settle for. I NEVER want to settle for what's here if it's not right. I would rather wait to find what really works and feels right and fits me and my life. So, that's my quest...to learn to trust myself again and to never try to fit someone into what I want if they aren't it!