It's true. I am what I am. Can I change it? Sure. In most cases. Some of it is just the way I am wired, though. I can stop thinking about whatever it is that's getting to me or obsessing over it (in time), but it doesn't make it any less real. My mom used to tell me I was "hyper-sensitive". Maybe I am. Maybe I just over-think things. In order to stop myself from doing the obsessive over-thinking of things that may or may not be what they seem, I ask the question on my mind or I choose to act on these thoughts to get a reaction or let them go. It's all about choices at that point.
Right now, I feel like I pissed off my best friend. I don't know why or how or what it is that I did, but I am thinking about every little exchange we've had and the blogs I have written and wonder if something got under her skin. I am one to speak my mind. I am one to say what I feel. I don't do it to hurt someone else. I just have to say things out loud sometimes. To let it out. To let it go. Maybe it's part of my ADHD and lack of impulse control, but I doubt it. If I hold it inside and let it fester, it's toxic to me. It eats at me and leaks from the inside out.
I work with this amazing woman who is my age and I really admire her. She is an empath, though. For whatever reason--maybe because my emotions ooze out of me--she always picks up on what I am giving off. I hate that she can do that because it makes me feel bad that she has to deal with the same things I am trying to process in the raw, emotion-filled state in which they hit me. I wish I had known before last week that this was the case for her. I can't imagine being able to do that. I used to wish that was my superpower, but it has some real big downsides to it.
I love my best friend. She has seen me through some of the most difficult things in my life. She knows my deepest, darkest hurts and secrets. She sees behind my masks. I cannot imagine my life without her and the thought of it aches inside of me. We did have a big blow up years ago and I was miserable without her. We don't get a lot of time together, but without her altogether I'd feel like I had lost something amazing in my life. When I say she is my BFF or when she says I am her FBF2 (forever best friend...2 because her husband is her forever boy friend which is the same acronym), I want the FOREVER to be true! I have had best friends before and as life changes us and puts distance or time between us, those relationships have changed; we have changed. I have my three Ms...all 3 of my besties are M-names. One is in AZ now. One is one exit west of me. And this one, my very bestie, is way on the east side of our greater metro area. Losing touch with the other two or having those relationships change over time has been tough, but not heart-wrenchingly so. With my #1 'M', I would be heart broken. It would be like a break-up because she means that much to me. I would be a mess...
Here I am borrowing trouble, though, and not even knowing what the real reason behind our disconnect is. I've asked the question, now to wait for the answer...
AND THE ANSWER IS:
She's not mad at me; just life getting the best of her. Proof that I am too sensitive and that it pays to ask the question rather than letting it fester! PHEW! Good not to have more heart break right now...especially at the holidays!