i am me

and I won't apologize for it anymore. I am tired of feeling like I need to be what everyone else wants from me. I am tired of trying to be something I cannot be and sustain. I am tired of everyone else's feelings and thoughts and ideals having to be my own in order to feel as if they can love me if I am just...this...or...that...Each time I allow that to happen, I become a little less me. No wonder I was lost and wandered so much of my life. I was searching for a purpose and a reason to be whatever I thought God wanted me to be instead of realizing that is where free will comes into play. He made me to be ME. No more or less than whatever I let that be.

As I type this, Mercy Me's "Beautiful" is playing in the background. I remember the first day I heard this song when I picked up my copy of "The Generous Mr. Lovewell." I thought that the song was written to speak this message into my spirit. This was a message I needed and still need. I am beautiful...in His eyes. Nothing else really matters other than that. I have sought the attention and affection and approval of people and been left empty handed and broken hearted. I have sought to fulfill my needs in work, food, awards, accomplishments and recognition. None of it filled me. The need remained. The emptiness remained. It all just left me wanting more.

Now, Nick Jonas' "Who I Am" is playing. In the song he says, "I want you to love me for who I am." That's what I want. Mark Darcy in Bridget Jones' Diary tells Bridget, "I like you. Very much. Just as you are." Those are just the words I want to hear. And the actions of the person able to willingly say them to me also needs to support the words. That isn't to say that I believe he will always live perfectly in that, but that he will do his best to show that kind of love to me. The type that is patient and kind. A love that feeds my soul rather than burdens it. A love that heals rather than damages. A love that never ends.

I still believe. I don't know why I do. I have no reason to, but I do believe in forever. Forever love. Forever friends. Forever.

I AM ME. And I am proud of the woman I have become in 2010. I think it's a damn shame that there are people around me who haven't given this woman a chance. Walk a mile in my shoes. See what it's like to shed over 100 lbs that had left you hidden from the world. See what it's like to watch your forever end. See what it's like to have each chance at love stopped short. See what it's like to face all the baggage and demons lurking in your closet and see if you are left as changed as I am. 2010 was one of the best years I've had in too long to remember. It was the best because I chose a path that meant I was finally true to myself. I am happy to say that I look forward to what's next because I believe the best is yet to come. I'll leave you with this...Take me as I am, or leave me be!

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