Tis the Season

Christmas used to be my favorite time of the year. I loved the way it felt; the Spirit of Christmas that used to be in the air. I don't know when it stopped existing or if I just stopped feeling it. Maybe it was just the years of disappointment. Maybe it's just the busyness of life. Maybe the fact that my thoughts at this time of year aren't what they used to be means that I manifest this blah feeling rather than embracing and creating the emotions around feeling joy at this time of year.

I miss my grampy. I miss my SAM. I miss the people that aren't here and I wish they were. I miss the relationships that I had which have changed over these last several months with people that have been so important to me for much of the last decade and more. I miss my dad--the dad that was still in his right mind; the one that's here now I just want to avoid. I miss my little sister and my nephew. This is the first Christmas I won't have with them since I moved home in 1996. I miss the old traditions we had that have been disrupted in the midst of my failing marriage and subsequent divorce. I miss what used to be...

Every year, I used to buy my husband one of those chocolate spheres with orange essence. Last year was the first time I didn't. This year, I got him one again. The other day I was having a tough night after my mom and I had chatted about the current challenges with my dad and my older sister. I texted my ex and told him that the hardest part about being divorced is losing your best friend. The next day, he called me to see if I was okay and if I still needed to talk. That night I was busy crying and couldn't talk and told him so. He listened and told me--as he always does--that he will always love me and is always here for me. For once, instead of being all bitter and thinking too bad you couldn't just get that right when we were married, I appreciated that he will always be part of my life. So, the chocolate was a small way of thanking him and letting him know that some traditions will always exist. Now, he gets dark chocolate orange instead of milk chocolate...more anti-oxidants! Very important as we age! Ha ha!

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