Exercise is my new BFF

It's true. Even though I can be a fair-weather friend to exercise, it is always there for me regardless of what the weather or the mood of the day (minute, hour, moment...you get the picture). It never lets me down. When I am feeling sad, it perks me up. When I am feeling tired or bored, it lifts me up again. When I am heading down the path to a binge or other mindless or emotional eating habits, it gets me back on track. Unfortunately, I don't remember that as timely as I wish I would sometimes. Like tonight, for instance, when I didn't realize that it would occupy me and make me feel better if I turned to it instead of a Luna Lemon Zest Bar that would put my over my calorie range until I'd already consumed 1700 calories for the day. The high end of my range is 1630.

I could sit here and beat myself up for it, but I hold myself accountable instead. I told my mom and she told me she knew I'd get back on track because that's what I do. And she's right. I am harder on myself than anyone else could be. In boot camp, my CC's (company commanders) learned that really quick. If I did something wrong, you could drop me or do whatever, but my mental kicking of me was enough and I wouldn't make that mistake again. I am a fast learner in that regard. I suppose that is why I was chosen as one of the EPO's (Educational Petty Officers). I could take what I'd learned and teach it to others.

That's how I feel about this journey. I can make mistakes, take the wrong path, make the wrong choices, but always learn from these things and do it better the next time. As I learn about myself and my patterns and triggers, I find ways to combat them and avoid falling into those traps. I am not always successful because the manifestations of the triggers can be multi-faceted in ways that I don't even yet understand. For instance, today started with a 1 lb. gain per the evil scale which put me 3.2 lbs. from my goal that I was supposed to have hit today. Which I was also supposed to have hit January 3 and missed. SO...I was already heading to the not good mental place. On my way to work, I started trying to turn my attitude around and see it for what it was--a temporary setback. I had a good breakfast, took my morning walk and the sun was shining (even though it was FRIGID COLD), had my mid-morning snack, had lunch, had my afternoon walk and an apple and then left work early to take the kids to their appointment at the psychiatrists office.

After 3 back-to-back appointments, new prescriptions for each of them and setting up their next appointments in 4 weeks, I got to see the bills for each of them. HUNDREDS of DOLLARS for two of them--each--and I don't know why, yet. Needless to say, I wanted to throw up. I dropped the two little ones at their dad's and headed home again. I could PHYSICALLY feel myself sinking lower into my seat as I drove. Finances have been an issue since we took a paycut in August as their medical bills mount and my medical coverage decreased drastically as well. It overwhelmed me and I was not prepared for this. I usually try not to think about that financial impact because I keep telling myself things will turn around. Unfortunately, it hasn't happened yet and I am getting deeper in debt every month as the medical and prescription costs continue to mount. UGH! Even now I feel I need to drop and give myself 20 to pull out of the mental mind-f*ck that sends me into when I think about it. I think I will go to bed instead.

Anyway, exercise is a good attitude adjusted and mood stabilizer. It rescues me from myself mentally and physically. It never leaves me hanging. THANK GOD I FOUND IT AGAIN!


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