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Thursday, January 20, 2011

Missing you (yeah, A-gain!)

Tonight as I left work, I was sitting at a light waiting to get onto the highway. I was listening to the playlist I made for my SAM. I've listened to it a million times. Today, though, as a song that I cannot even now tell you which one it would have been, came on my eyes welled with tears. None of them fell and I laughed at myself despite how I was feeling. I knew it was time to send another email into cyberspace. So, here is what it said...

Yeah, I know you won't get this, but it won't stop me from writing it. I miss you more than words can say. Sometimes, I just need to tell you about my day. It's not that I have no one else to tell those things to, but no one else is you. Sometimes, I just want you to tell me to not worry. Sometimes, I want you to tell me it will all be alright. Sometimes, I just want to have you call me "sweets" just one more time. I don't know what it is about today. Maybe it's because my period's all fucked up with my exercise routine changes and my hormones are mixed up because of it. Maybe it's just that no one else is you; no one else sees me how you do. Maybe it's that I wonder if anyone ever will see me like you do/did. Haha...those tears that didn't want to fall before are pouring now. I guess I needed that. I guess I needed to remember why you were and are so important to me. I needed to feel again and that meant allowing me to feel the loss of you. I love you, ! I hope you are well. I hope you think of me and know that I am thinking of you.

me
xoxox

Sometimes, it takes a little while before it bounces back and gives me the error that indicates it will never be received by him, and in that instance I hope for a moment that maybe he will get it. So as not to get too excited, I hit the "Inbox" link which reaches out to poll for new emails and then it arrives. My sadness at it returns with that notice. It's like getting a return to sender on the letters you may have written back in the days before there was email. It's funny what hope allows in our brains. I check my front stoop for a package or sift through the junk mail in hopes of a card or letter. There's never anything there, but still I hope...

4 comments:

  1. Hugs...I do know the feeling.

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  2. I know you do! Love you much, Lo! xox

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  3. I keep track you just don't know it, hopefully this will offer some resolution.

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  4. It's funny because I cried and prayed last night for some contact from you...and I woke to it. God is ALWAYS good! :o)

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