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Secrets

I am haunted by secrets. The ones inside of me. The ones that swirl around my life. The ones I keep for others. Every time I hear the song "Secrets" by OneRepublic, it speaks to me. The haunting and rising crescendo of the cello before the rest of the instruments kick in, exploding with sound, that's how I feel. Sometimes, I don't even listen to the words. They are just sounds reverberating on the music. It reminds me of watching the Cleveland Orchestra do "Peter and the Wolf". Each instrument represented something and the notes and their compilation told the story. That's how I feel about this song. It represents this specific person and the time and place in my life where he and I came together in what seemed a perfect compilation of our own. The song seems to follow me around. It reminds me of what was and what still is to come.

When I met my SAM, I felt like everything was safe with him. I could tell him anything. I can't quite say why that is. I am an open book, I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and I talk about everything. Not much is really private. Usually, I need to know you, though, before I tell you certain things; those things that hurt me deeply, affected me greatly and changed my life or me from the inside out. With him, I felt like I couldn't tell him everything fast enough. I couldn't let him read my book of life fast enough. There are still many things left unsaid and no time left to say them, though.

On Friday night, I was out with a friend after one too many glasses of champagne. We went up to a bar in her local area. I was talking to this guy who was 34, had the most beautiful chocolate brown eyes (though I have never looked into my SAM's) and had features similar to him. I have no idea if I recognized any of that when I started to talk to him, but it struck me yesterday as I was trying to recover more memories of that evening--without success mind you. At least my subconscious recognized it and connected me to this person whose name I cannot even remember. I know, totally off topic yet on, but whatever! LOL!

SAM, I still miss you. I think of you often. I am thankful that you were part of my life, but I miss you right here, right now...every day!

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