Every day...you save my life...

Yes, SAM, you! You're not here. We don't talk, email or IM anymore, but still you are with me. I see your pictures in my head. I go places that remind me of you--like today I went for a walk in the park with my mom...to the same park where I was telling you about my red panties...today I was wearing the black ones, but you get the picture ;) That park makes me think about you. I remember exactly where on the trail I was when I told you my mom said I couldn't text you anymore and had to focus on her and not you. I remember being excited to get home so I could see the pics you took for me. The pics I still have saved down into a password protected file...just in case you ever wondered.

Here's me today before my walk with my mom:


When I listen to so many songs...particularly from the playlist I made you, but also ones that have come out since then...I think about you. Like this one because "Yeah, you get me":



And there are songs like Lady A's "If I Knew Then" which have lyrics that say what I want to say to you:
'cause love only comes
Once in a while
And knocks on your door
And throws you a smile
It takes every breath,
Leaves every scar,
Speaks through your soul
And sings to your heart
But if I knew then
What I know now
I'd fall in love

And I did fall in love because it was all those things and more. Most people don't understand it, but sometimes when I get to share why I feel the way I do--even though we've never met--then the ones who have met their loves understand it. I was telling my friend, Patti, about it. We've talked about it the few times we got together before. She said she didn't understand still. So, I told the story of how she had 2 dates with Martin and was sure he was the one. The day we were together was their 30 month anniversary and she is still so very smitten and in love with him. And when we walked through their getting to know each other phase, she realized that she knew it before they met. She knew it during the 3-4 weeks they spent communicating via phone, text and emails before they were able to get together in person. She finally understood.

I was talking with two of my other friends from HDI about how getting divorced and focusing on my health and fitness and dating again has been such a change for me. I was telling these close friends--one who I've known through HDI since 1999 and the other used to work for me and we've known each other just a few years less--that after my divorce, my two longest and best friends--two of my three M's--aren't really my friends anymore. One doesn't talk to me at all anymore...and she's the godmother of my two little ones. The other talks to me casually on Facebook if I talk to her, but that's about it. The funny thing is that these people that I don't spend a whole lot of time with since I have been on the operations rather than the help desk side of the business for the last 2 years, all still love and accept me just as I am. They keep up with me on Facebook and actually want to make time to see me and spend time with me. I was so appreciative--and a little choked up--that they accepted me just as I am. Divorce hasn't defined me for them. My weight loss and exercise routine is something that excites them for me and drives them to do better for themselves. The fact that I am single now and dating while trying to balance work, and my children hasn't sullied the person I am in their eyes. In fact, the one, Tammi, who I know from HDI grabbed my face and told me that I look just like the me in my Navy pictures. I was jazzed to hear that! And when I went to the bathroom, I looked at myself and saw that girl, too.

I felt at last that I am finally that person I was before my life got so jacked up with trying to be something I was not. When I got lost in a bad situation. Now, I embrace the woman I am as I have uncovered her...I have woken up me!!

My mom was telling me that she was thinking about me yesterday and the characteristics that make me up. I have to admit that I was a little apprehensive to hear the list. I asked if these were characteristics that I had then and still exhibit now, or just the gamut of characteristics she's known of me throughout my life. She explained that some of it is stuff that has allowed me to become what I am because I have matured and used these things to my benefit. She said she is proud of the woman I am and she is so happy to be a part of my life (ok, yeah, a little crying now as I write this because when she was telling me this, I was still processing the characteristics she saw/sees in me). Here is some of what she said regarding my characteristics:

no filter
impulsive
free thinker
combative
strong willed
fearless
protective
driven
motivated
healthy
happy
enjoying life
positive attitude
FIERCE!

The last 4 attributes are new to me. Have I had them before, yes. They aren't inherent to my nature per se, so I have to work to make them real for me. I have to learn it, live it and then I love it! I have to admit that exercise really does help my attitude as does loving myself...just as I am in this moment and every moment. And, SAM, I thank you for being a positive, happy, enjoyable part of my life. I hope you remember that no matter where life takes you or what it brings you...you're loved...and you're f*cking perfect to me! xoxox

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