Finding My Happy

Last week when I had the kids, I was talking to ML about this situation she has going on. There's a married man who has an "open" relationship with his wife--which is totally something I will NEVER understand, but anyway... Now, his wife has started seeing someone more seriously and that may lead to them divorcing, but for now they're just separating. As I shared with ML, separation doesn't always lead to divorce. I explained that when Pierre and I separated before, we got back together. We were together again before I found out he'd been having an affair and I was pregnant with my daughter the day I got the call from the women with whom he'd been having said affair. Unfortunately, my son was sitting on the stairs instead of up in his room where he was supposed to be. He popped up and said, "my dad had an affair?!" OH CRAP--the cat's outta the bag!

Our oldest son knows a lot of the dirty little secrets that led to our divorce. He is nearly 6 years older than his younger brother and 8 years older than his little sister. His dad told him most of the stuff. I have kept my mouth shut because these things are not for children to have to bear or understand. It's been hard with them not understanding why we really got divorced, but I figured in time they'd be privy to the information. I got a text from my ex last night before I went out with ML asking why I had told our younger son. Our son asked him why he cheated on me. I explained to my ex how he found out, but that I never answered his question when asked me if his dad really had an affair and told him that information wasn't for him and gave him the mom-look. Neither the avoidance or the mom-look worked it appears.

On Thursday, my oldest and I had our date night. We went out to dinner at Bucci's and had some spaghetti. I had mine with the mushroom sauce--so YUMMY--and he had meatballs and sauce. He told me he wanted to spend more time with me which made me very happy. He asked about how DK was doing. I laughed and explained we hadn't been together since before Christmas and "broke up" just after the new year. He said, "Yeah. We definitely need to spend more time together because I don't know what's going on with you." I am excited that he wants to spend more time with me since it seems like we got through the tough stuff in our relationship earlier in the year and then we stopped spending time together.

He and came over with the kids today and will be here through Sunday. He goes to school really early in the morning so during the school year he doesn't stay with me during the school week. So far, it's been a great day. He and my mom are making a dress for his girlfriend. He's going through a phase where he thinks he wants to be a fashion designer--I went through a similar phase growing up. Seems my mom's doing most of the work, though! It's fun to watch them working together on this. My little ones spend tons of time with my mom because she watches them regardless of if they're with me or my ex for the week. She and my oldest get to have nice chats before and after school when she drives him to and from, but don't see each other much outside of that.

Earlier today, I listened to my son talk to his girlfriend and he is so kind and loving toward her. He calls her "beautiful" which is funny because his dad used to call me that and now calls our daughter that. I also like that his girlfriend is his dad's best friend's daughter. We'd vacationed with them in 2007 (Disneyworld) and 2008 (Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg) and they'd become enamored with one another then. It was during that trip that they shared their first kiss. They dated a while and then broke up after realizing how challenging it is to have a long distance relationship at such a young age. They became friends again in 2010 and then started dating officially on New Year's Eve at midnight so they'd have a fresh starting point--cute, eh?! It makes me happy to see what an amazing young man he is becoming. He has always had a very caring heart, but he was damaged more than the other two by the volatile relationship his father and I had. Plus, he thinks that because I am strong and don't cry often in front of him or discuss my heartbreaks with him, that the divorce didn't hurt me. That it just made me happy...and that's not true.

I am happy now because I have built a new life and embraced the woman I am. I am happy now because I have reconciled that my ex's infidelity was not caused by me not being enough, but by things within him that he needed to fulfill. I am happy now because I have three beautiful, wonderful, spirited, and willful children whose hearts are full of love, care and concern for others. I am happy now because I have learned to love myself just as I am in this moment. I am happy now because I see that while divorce is never easy on those involved, we're all coming out on the other side of it closer and better for it. I am happy now because I see my blessings in the midst of even the toughest times. So, I leave you with Leona Lewis' "Happy" which my good friend, LMR, said was my song...and I have to agree!

Comments

  1. "Don't ya take chances ya might feel the pain"
    "So what if it hurts me, so what if I break down"

    It seems you are doing just fine sweets, I told you that you're strong, and you will fine that happiness, that one person who can't live without you, he's there....you just have to find him. Or I can do it, lol!

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  2. Ah, that is an old post...and I am excellent at projecting how I want to feel...fake it till you make it, right?! Or believe it until you make it so. Something like that. There may be someone who cannot live without me, he just doesn't realize it. I guess time will tell.

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