There's this Sugarland song that's mournful called, Keep You. Jennifer Nettles' voice sounds like she knows what it's like to be empty, numb, and wondering if this is it. Is this all life has left for me? There's no escaping the hole that has been left by the one who is no longer there and all you long for is to be whole once again.
I was looking for an email the other day and found an ecard my SAM had sent me. I didn't open it then. I was telling my WM that for the last few days I can't get my SAM out of my mind. She said it was funny because just yesterday she saw the link she'd saved to her favorites of this same card and remarked about his term of endearment for me, "Psycho". It's a little bit of an inside joke of ours. I went back to the email with the link to the card and the message WM had sent back to me when I'd shared it with her. She had said, "I hope the part where he comes back to give you a big hug wins." It did, kinda, win. I never got the real hug, but we did keep in contact after this apology. His note also said this, "I don't want to make this painful for you...but I do think about you...I can't imagine a day going by without talking to you. I didn't expect this to be one of those "things" but I'm glad it is!"
And when it is one of those "things" and the days pass without talking and no word...the emptiness grows. It eats away at you. It makes you remember why you aren't vulnerable and have trouble trusting. You begin to believe that words are empty and that people say things they don't really mean. Unfortunately, words are powerful. They can inspire all sorts of things. As I was writing this, my phone rang and it showed private number. I have to say my heart skipped a beat thinking that my SAM could actually be calling. Too bad I can't think that into happening! It wasn't, though.