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Monday, April 11, 2011

In the End, It's All about Choice

A few weeks ago, my ex contacted me to inquire about my thoughts on moving to NY (Long Island area). I explained that had we still been married, I would be up for it. When we were married, I had suggested we do so (cost of living is higher, but job potential and money to be made there are as well) and he'd actually gotten a job there at one point. He thought I might still be open to it. I explained that when we were married and his family was my family and all that, it would have worked. Plus, if we'd done it then, I would at least have friends and professional relationships out there. Now, there is nothing for me--my in-laws are cordial, but we're not in contact regularly. I do have a cousin who lives over in Brooklyn, but that's out of the way from where my ex would be living.

On Saturday morning before the kids were ready to go back to his house, he texted me. He said he had been trying to work up the courage to tell me that he had proposed to his girlfriend. Knowing the answer, I asked anyway..."Did you give her a ring?" I didn't have a ring and over the years he would always say he wanted to give me one, but never did. Of course the answer was that he did. It would be what anyone would expect when you actually mean it when you propose to marry them. I explained that was still a sore spot for me, but I was happy for them. I then asked when they planned to marry. Soon was his answer.

So now my ex is marrying a woman from Long Island who has a son. He and I share custody (50/50) of our kids. Someone has to move. The plan was that she and her son would move here and live in our house (still a bit of a sore spot since the house is still in both our names even though the divorce decree states he gets it and was to take over the mortgage) . Unfortunately, once she went to court to get full custody, her son's father decided he was going to fight her for custody. Now, my ex is about to marry someone who may not be able to leave Long Island which means he may need to move there. While that was the start to my Saturday, he called me mid-day on Friday to talk about him possibly moving to NY under a different premise and asked if I thought him a bad dad. I explained that I understood his reasoning, but someone was going to get hurt in the process regardless of what I thought or felt.

Sunday morning, I was heading to a meet some friends to go for a run. It was BEAUTIFUL out--high 70s, nice breeze, blue skies, and sunshine! He called me just as I was leaving my house and we talked my entire drive. He asked me if I was anxious for him to leave. I explained that while I can see some benefits of his departure, they are all selfish ones on my behalf. When I look at the big picture, I see that there are going to be lots of hurts with the kids. Our oldest will go with him regardless, but the younger two are the ones in question. My daughter will for sure stay with me. My other son, though, would stay with me and I believe he should stay with me, but he really loves my ex's fiancĂ©e's son. Plus, in NY he'd be at the ocean which would make him even more happy. I wouldn't force him to stay with me if he really wanted to go to NY with his dad, but I will be very sad without him.

While I am usually very good and supportive of my ex and want him to be happy, I think he was very selfish again and has made some poor choices that now affect all of us. He chose to pursue a relationship with a woman in a state where he never wanted to live again and they fell  in love. They decided it was the real deal and went to court only to find out she didn't have all the rights or chances to get what she'd wanted. Doesn't anyone ask these questions up front other than me? Anyway, once they knew the custody was going to be a battle, he chose to propose marriage in hopes that would better their chances. Great! Too bad you didn't think of the implications of if it doesn't help, and she can't leave NY, and now you're married and have to move there now. What about your kids? The house? Your job? I told him that I am not going to feel sorry or bad for him. He once again made poor choices because he was thinking only of himself and what he wanted and not the consequences of his actions. In the end, it IS all about choice. And for all our choices, there are consequences!

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