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Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Growth is a Process

This morning, I woke up to Sara Evans' "A Little Bit Stronger" playing in my head. As I went through my day, I started thinking about the lyrics in the song and about where I am in this current growth process. While there are many things that can happen in an instant, there are other things  that take time. 





A friend of mine, we'll call him M63, told me how life is much more like a crockpot than a microwave:
  • It takes the Spirit within us to transform us...and it is a crockpot and not a microwave experience.
  • While birth happens in a moment...growth is a process.
  • Like the crockpot, we have to be connected to the Source - the Power...but it is through that power that the process takes place...but it is a process.
So, think about a cut of beef you'd put into the crockpot. You can take a lesser cut of meat and slow cook it in the crockpot until it is tender and delicious--over time! If I took that same cut of beef and put it in the microwave even for a short period of time, it may also get cooked, but it will be tough and inedible. Life is very much the same way. I need to use the proper method of dealing with what is coming at me. I can't think that the things that have hurt me, formed me, strengthened me, challenged me or taught me all happened in an instant. Nor can they be used up or undone in a brief period of time. I believe that is why there are so many layers to get through in order to truly understand and come to terms with where you are in this journey and where you want to go.


On Monday night, Russ put on Facebook that he may be going "down range". I didn't know what exactly that meant, but I thought I might. I texted him to ask. He wanted me to guess. As I am sure you can guess, I wasn't up for guessing...so, I Google'd. That's what smart girls do :) And then, everything from the weekend came back at me in snippets. All the times he said that instead of retiring next year, he may go to Afghanistan with his unit. The times he joked about having one more medal or sticker for his car. When he explained that with that tour then he'd have been active in each of the 4 desert wars. I asked if he was going sooner than next August and he said it was still planned for next year. What did I say? "Awesome". And then, in all my maturity, I tossed my phone onto the couch and walked away. I showed him! Thing is, he probably thinks I said it excitedly and not pissedoffedly (yeah, is too a word!).


Last night, I got to thinking about things again. Why was I so upset? Why is it bothering me? It's bothering me because it reminds me of when he came into my life the last time right before he left for Iraq. It bothered me because seeing me always makes him "feel to much" and then he disappears. It bothered me because the same thing happened with SAM. SAM! It reminded me that everyone leaves and that I hurt and if he dies or if SAM dies, how another piece of me will go with them; die with them. That is why growth is a process. It has a root. All the things that lie on top of and hide the root are just covering the real problem. I was letting his choice to live his life effect me because it took me to the place where I feel not enough. 


This realization was HUGE for me. This. Is. Not. About. ME! What is about me is how I deal with this and learn from this. I am the Queen of Root Cause! My mind is that of an analyst. I love sequence. Things do have a beginning a middle and an end (at some point). Now, I just have to look at the challenges in my life the same way. It all starts with asking the question, "Why?" Why do I feel this way? Why do I think that? Why does it matter to me? Why does it bother me? WHY?



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