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Thursday, June 9, 2011

Past Hurts, Current Hope

What is it about this one thing that bothers us so much. Is it just women that get so hung up on it? Ya know like when there's a guy that you don't even like-like, but he like-likes you actually finds someone who like-likes him, we get all bent outta shape about it. Um, girls, we didn't want him when he wanted us, what gives? Or you find out a guy is all hitting on you and trying to be something in your life only to find out he already has someone in his life. Then, when that someone is no longer in his life and we find him looking for a new someone that is NOT us, we are all irked by this as if we've been snubbed. Come on! Really? Are we all so broken and damaged and filled with low self esteem that we're going to let the poor choices of a man or the happiness of someone we like, but don't like-like get in the way of our own happiness? Well, yeah. Sometimes we are gonna do just that because we are broken, damaged and have low self esteem. It sucks, but it's real.

Last night after I left work around 7 PM, I got a text from ML regarding one of these scenarios I just described. Mind you, ML has a special man in her life that she is about to move in with (into my development, insert jumpy-happy-claps here!), but still she was a little bent, miffed, irked, hurt...whatever word you want to use. Thing is, when you're an independent, sharp, control-lovin', analytical superstar of a woman (ok, so I relate a little), we can over-think the HELL outta something like this. So, following a big of over-thinking, my phone rings. The first thing I say to ML is that she is better than all of this. Because in all honesty, she is. I go on to tell her all the things about her that make her a super-duper catch--all the things that the guy she's with has realized and hence why he is with her. Still, all it takes is a bit of doubt to stir up all the other things we've allowed to be our truths at some point in our lives.

We all pay for the hurts of previous lovers when in a new relationship. We have to learn that our new special someone is not the same as our old special someone. And if he/she is, RUN! There is a reason that the old is no longer in your life...remember that reason and move on! Do something new to get a new result! At the same time, just because someone new does something or says something that used to irk you with a previous partner doesn't mean the same connotation or intention comes with those words or actions from your new someone. When I first started to talk to SAM, he would say, "relax" which was something my ex would say to me...and it PISSED ME OFF! First, I had to re-listen to SAM saying this in my head, the context of him saying it and figure out if his intention and meaning was the same as my ex's was. It wasn't. I shared with SAM how it made me feel when he said it and that I was reminding myself to let go of the old and accept the new. It took a conscious effort to do this, but it was worth it. I was worth this new thinking, and he was worth seeing from that new perspective I was developing.

I hear ML always say that she has to be able to do it all on her own. While I completely understand being burned and having to be able to financially support oneself regardless of there being a partner, I don't believe it to be the right attitude. I think of it along the same lines of going into a marriage thinking that if it doesn't work out you can just get a divorce. If that is already your thought process, you're setting yourself up for living that out. At some point, you have to decide to trust that not everyone will let you down. You have to believe that you have learned to listen to yourself and that you are not going to repeat the mistakes of that past. If you aren't ready for those things, you aren't ready for a relationship. I used to spend time talking myself into people or glossing over the things about them that really bothered me or were of issue. Something that bothers you now while the love is new and fresh and exciting will annoy the crap out of you later.

There is hope, though, for you and for me. There can be healing and, new starts; a new beginning. Start by believing. Believe that you are worth the best God has to offer you. Don't settle for right now, wait for just right. Just right is about timing and not just about someone having everything you've ever wanted in a partner. Maybe a relationship that would have struggled a year ago is now ripe for a new chance. People change...not the core of who they are, but experience really does change us. Each relationship, experience, connection, learning is a new opportunity to change how we think, act, speak and love. I truly believe that the one thing you can always count on is change! So, let go of what was, and embrace what is!

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