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Monday, August 1, 2011

Letter to God

As I was looking through my documents today, I found this letter I wrote to God last year. So much of it (other than the anxiety) is still true for me.
May 26, 2010

Dear God,
Today my heart is full to overflowing. Not with the things that bring me joy, but with the things that weigh me down. I need YOU, Lord. I need your hand in my life. I need your arms wrapped around me. I need to know that you are here with me. I need to hear your whisper and know you have not left or forsaken me. I know you are everywhere and in all things, Lord, but what I ask is that you reveal your spirit to me, IN ME, so that I stop feeling alone. I want to feel the fire of your spirit burning within me. My anxieties are welled up within me. I feel the pressure of them in my heart, my head and in my body to the point where I feel like I will implode or explode physically if they are not contained. I try to walk them out, run them out, swim them out, think them out, pray them out; yet, they remain. My ears feel plugged and my eyes feel blurred with the pressure that mounts within my head. I can no longer discern the physical ailment from the chemical reaction. I feel disconnected from myself and from you.
I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said, “If God is your Co-Pilot, switch seats.” It spoke exactly what I was feeling in my heart. I am tired of being in charge. I am tired of always having these looming expectations on my shoulders. I know you made me as I am for a purpose, but I still struggle to see what that is. I know that my life has been what it has because you intend to use my experiences for your glory and to call others to you. I know that your love for me is beyond anything I have ever known or experienced before. From the moment you called me to you and told me that you would be the Father I never felt I had, I knew I was yours. I knew I wanted to be yours. You sent your Son and angels to care for me during the most difficult and lonely time in my life…high school! Then, at OU, you called to me. Yet, there was never root…only foundation. I was consumed in the thorns and choked in my ability to connect with you; to really understand and know you.
Here I am now 37 years old and directly seeking a relationship with you. I want nothing more in my life than this relationship. I want to have what other men and women who have known you for so long have in their lives. I want to hear your voice, know your touch, trust that you are everything I have read in your Word that you are. I want to know you, Lord. I want to see me through your eyes. I want to be the woman you mean for me to be. You are my Abba, Father.

Another year later and I still desire this relationship with my Father and to experience life as His. What would your letter to God say? What are you seeking in Him? Do you know Him? Do you want to? If you don't know Him and want to, you are welcome to pray this simple prayer or something like it to ask Him into your heart:
"Lord Jesus, I need You. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life and receive You as my Savior and Lord. Thank You for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Take control of the throne of my life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be."

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