On Tuesday evening as I was coming back from a business trip to the Philly area, it finally happened. Secrets came on the radio. I hadn't heard it since I'd learned of Joseph's death. As I looked into the sky, it was beautiful. Full of oranges, pinks, purples and blues as the clouds obstructed the sun as it descended in the west. I wondered if this was Joseph watching over me. And then, the song he'd told me made him think of me came on, "Your Body is a Wonderland." I love the part in the song where he says, "I'll never let your head hit the bed, Without my hand behind it." That's how Joseph made me feel: safe, covered, protected, cared for, comforted, and loved tenderly, fully! My eyes glazed over with tears, but I couldn't let them out. The person I was with knows that Joseph is gone, but he doesn't know anything more than that.
Instead, I contacted my friend, Jerri, and she pulled me through. She distracted me, and filled me, and held me until I could get to a place where I could empty my heart of the hurt. At home, I let it all come out. The pain. The loss. The emptiness. The hopes and dreams of a life with him I will never have. Times I wish I could hit replay on over and over again. All the smiles and laughter he brought to me. Yes, I have those memories still, but there will be no more. And I long to hear his voice. To hear him call me "sweets" one more time. No. That's a lie. I long to hear him call me sweets till the end of my days...not just the end of my days with him. That's the problem with death. It ends all those expectations we've set for forever because forever is not for this time or this place. It is for another lifetime; not this one. And I long for that lifetime! The one where the hurt, the pain, the loss, the unrealized dreams no longer matter.
On Facebook, there's this new feature that I love. It tells me what I was doing on this day last year and the year before. Two years of amazing changes in my life. It's amazing to see where I have come in that time. It is hard to be where I am right now, though. This day last year was the week that I got the one memento I have from Joseph. On September 14, 2010, Joseph went up to a bar where I was meeting my former boss and his wife. He left me a card. As I woke up yesterday morning, I was looking for a little thing I have that I was going to put on my puffy eyes. Instead, I found the card...and then I saw the post on Facebook that reminded me that it was the day he was thinking of me and bringing the card to the bar because he wouldn't be able to meet me there. In this card, he told me through the Rascal Flatts song, Head Over Heels, how he felt about me. It was in this card that he gave me silly bands and told me they were "goofy like [me]". Where he called me "sweets". Where he tells me he's sorry his schedule is hectic, but wishes we could meet. Yet, we never did.
And my heart aches for the things that never happened and never will... And the memories of the things that were are like a small bandaid on a huge wound...