Almost is not the same as just right. It's just not. Too hot is too hot. Too cold is too cold. But just right is just right! I suppose that's why 'almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.' In meeting someone who is the right person for me, almost just isn't enough. I can try to talk myself into it, but why sell myself or that other person short?! It's not worth it to me. My time has value and so do I. So, when something is not working with someone, I can't just let it drag on in order to have someone around. I don't want a person to be a fallback for me because I would never want to be someone else's fallback.
That said, the after effects of date #2 had to come to an end. I learned that I don't like to have someone who is SO into me that I feel suffocated. While in so many ways he was exactly what I was looking for: intelligent, military
background, kind/gentle, reads, good communicator, attentive (maybe too
attentive!), domesticated—cooks, cleans, does laundry, would make me coffee and
serve it to me in bed if I wanted (my own personal coffee fairy), athletic, will take walks with me or even
run (though I am not NEARLY as fast as he is), we have common interests and
conversation flows easily, he’d rub my back/feet/head, he listens and remembers
things I have told them, sends me poetry, et cetera, so on and so forth, BUT…I
found it annoying. It was overwhelming to have someone text me, email me, and then still want to talk on the phone after all that conversation. I need some space.
I have been out on my own for a little over two years now. One of my biggest worries was that I would feel lonely and not like being by myself. Surprisingly, that was not the case. It felt good to be alone. It felt good to be able to focus on me for once. It felt good to have time to think and not just react or do all the time. Now, I enjoy the time I have with my kids even more and can really be the mom I need to be for them because I am the woman I want to be for me.
In Jerry Maguire, there's a scene where he tells the woman he loves, "You complete me....", and while that thought in itself and on the surface makes women sigh and swoon, it's not the whole story. Honestly, I would much rather have someone compliment or allow the woman I am to be bettered through his personal investment in me--his love for me just as I am. I feel complete already even though I, like the rest of you, am still a work in progress; learning, growing and refining who I am each day.
I believe in what I wrote one day earlier in the year in purple Sharpie marker below the Serenity Prayer that hangs in my office: THOU SHALL NOT SETTLE. So, I won't. And I won't talk myself into keeping around people that don't fit into my life just to have something. This is an area of life where something is NOT always better than nothing.
Oh, and as an aside, date #4 last night went very well. The guy's beautiful smile, dimples and deep, brown eyes were just part of the picture. We had a good night full of laughter over a couple of Yuengling's. It's nice not to feel pressure over him being the kind of guy who will want to consume my time. He was married young, married for 17 years and is not rushing into anything either. Ah...refreshing! It's great to meet someone not looking for someone else to complete them and plug right in. If that is the girl you are looking for, I'm not her. Just sayin'!