In 2011, I just gave up on me. Stopped caring and stopped setting goals. Just kept moving forward without going anywhere...back to sleepwalking through my life, but I am done with that. Done with letting the things from my past overtake the hope I have in each moment that is mine to make of it what I wish. And what I wish it to be is positive and filled with happiness--even during the tough times!
A few weeks ago in church, my pastor was talking about how we view our lives. Is there fate/destiny/predestination, is it all what you make it, or is there something else? I have always thought that while God knows what I am going to choose to do, it is still my choice. He allows things to happen to us so that we may learn from them for whatever the reason, but He also brings people into our lives or intervenes through the Holy Spirit to lead us on the path He wants for us. In a Christian Worldview, that is the basic way things work. God is Sovereign, He reigns even now, and in that He allows us to become what He knows we are capable of. I once said that I believed that even when we took the wrong path, in the end we still got were God needed us to be. It's just a detour where we have other lessons to learn because we chose our way rather than to follow His lead. I believe this from experience. I have ignored God before, but the end was still exactly where He was trying to lead me while I resisted Him. I am sure He knew I would, and used it for good even though I chose my way all too often.
I lose my focus from time to time and sometimes for long periods of time (long for me, not for Him, per se), but I don't lose my faith. I always believe that He loves me and will be there even when He feels absent. A friend recently told me that I think He'll let me fall, but that He won't. He'll catch me. I don't necessarily believe that falling is a bad thing, though. Sometimes I need to fall because I need to see where I have gone wrong. When we were kids and fell down, the adult would always tell us, "You're alright. Get up, brush yourself off, and keep going." That's how I raise my kids, too. That's not to say that I don't kiss the boo boo and make it better, but I also know that if I make too big a deal out of it there could be more upset than is necessary. I think that is how God loves me, too. Sometimes, He knows he needs to just acknowledge my hurt and let me keep going, but other times He needs to reach for me and wrap me in His arms of love to get me back on track again.
For most of my life, I have tried to control outcomes. In 2010, I started to let go of that control. In 2011, I let go of me, too. The pendulum swung all the way to the other side and I lost myself for a while. In the midst of that, I stopped exercising and eating right and gained back almost 45 lbs from my lowest point in 2011 (Feb 7 when I hit my first set weight loss goal--and 112#s lost). I gave into my sadness and I ate my emotions. I felt sorry for myself and never tried to deal with it. I just kept going like it was no big deal. And then I remembered that it is a big deal. My dad had a heart attack at 57 and while he's been heavy much of his life, he hadn't been for a while and he was exercising fairly regularly. I don't want that to be my legacy...or worse. I want to give my children a love of fitness and an opportunity to overcome their heredity through healthful living. Yes, heredity will always come into play, but that doesn't mean that I have to give in to letting that be the only alternative.