I wonder if she knows. I wonder if she remembers. I wonder if she is alright. I wonder if she is scared. I wonder if she is hungry. Lonely. Alone.
If I could tell her one thing, I would tell her that she is loved.
I want to fix it. Her. Take away the pain. Make the confusion in her head stop. Hold her close. Tell her she is safe. No one can hurt her. No one will hurt her.
I want the simpler times back. The ones where I would sneak up into her attic bedroom. Pull out her writing journals or old papers and just revel in what an amazing and talented writer she was. She was always so good at everything. I wanted to be like her. More than having her achievements, though, I wanted her to love me.
She was my big sister. We were never really friends, but I loved her just the same. There was much emotional distance between us long before the physical distance came. I remember my mom telling me that it would get better when we were older. We'd be friends then. And, yet, we weren't.
We admired each other from afar. Never really knowing what to say to one another. I envied her life which seemed so easy on the outside. And she felt the same way about mine. Neither of us having the words to tell the other.
And now, I may never get to tell her again just what she means to me. What she's meant to me. All that she is. All that she could still be. All that I want is her to come back to me. To us. To her daughter. My heart aches...please, God, watch over her. Keep her safe. Love her. Comfort her. Hold her in the palm of your hands.