As I drove home Wednesday evening, the church across the street had Jeremiah 33:3 on it's digital board, "I will show you great & mysterious things which you still do not know about." I immediately sent it to two of my girlfriends. It was one of those moments when I knew it was there for me in that moment, and it was a reminder that what He has for us belongs to all who choose to believe. It was an invitation to His revelation. What He plans to reveal, I still don't know, but I choose to wait on the Lord.
A few nights later, I had my boy-bestie over for his birthday dinner. We had some amazing discussions. I am so thankful to have him in my life, but he and I are at such different places in our journey. He thinks I could be "the one" for him and I am sure that all I have ever wanted to be is his friend. I love him, but it is not and has never been in a romantic way. While I can't tell the future, I don't have any frame of reference where I have ever felt nothing romantically for someone and grown into it. Especially not for someone I know as well as I know him. Someone so much like me to begin with. It makes me feel bad, though, when good people have feelings for me and I am unable to reciprocate.
As I was struggling with feeling crappy over not having romantic feelings, I also had the, "what if he's the only one who ever feels that way about me" thought. That is my own internal battle. I wonder if I am too much or not enough. I take the lack of suitors or, in this case, the not right for me suitors, as being a testament to something being wrong with me. I am broken in some way and no one would ever want me. That is the lie I fall prey to in times like these. I prayed my way through, though. I sought an answer from God because His word is the Truth. When I get worried about how things will turn out, I often take things into my own hands. I think that maybe God's waiting on me to do something rather than just waiting for Him to be true to what He's told me in His word and in our relationship. How He's revealed to me the heart of the man He has for me. As I finished my prayer by saying that if God wanted me to wait, I would wait, I read Psalm 27.
I had this Psalm marked from a previous reading; obviously it was significant to me at some other point as well. It struck me as it seemed written for me specifically in this moment--not that I am in a physical battle with enemies but in an internal battle struggling against my flesh and personal desires and the lies I have allowed to be my truths for so long rather than what God has for me. And, in the end, it said to wait.
Psalm 27:14, "
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord."
And more truths that He has shown me before when I have sought Him in His word:
"Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident." vv. 3
"Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the Lord." vv. 6
His word reminded me that He is a promise keeper. That His word is Truth. That I can trust Him with my whole heart. With my life. He died for me because He loves me just as I am--not too much and definitely more than enough. For He said I am perfectly and wonderfully made. I am His. Beloved. Those are the real truths He has for me. And they're so important that He wrote them down so that I could check to see what He says in case I forget. In case I get lost. In case I allow the words get twisted and turned around. It is in prayer, His word, among His body and through the Holy Spirit that I will know what He says and what Truth is.
Waiting is something I struggle with. Maybe you do, too. It's uncomfortable. It's out of my control and that is scary for me. When the waiting goes on and on, my fear and impatience lead me to take action instead of waiting on the Lord. Fear is not of the Lord, though. His spirit is one of power, and of love and of sound mind (2 Tim 1:7). When I remain in Him, and He in me, I will bear good fruit; apart from Him, I can do nothing (John 15:5). So, this time, I am waiting...and it's scary...which seems so stupid and ill-conceived, but that is what it is for me to let go of the control and really trust someone else. Even when that someone is the Lord of Lords and King of Kings; Creator of heaven and earth. The Alpha and Omega. The One who formed my inward parts and wove me in my mother's womb (Psalm 139:13). Right now, He is calling me to STAND THERE and wait for Him to answer. For who can do all things? The Great I AM can! And He's waiting on me.