I can't believe it's been over three and a half years since I wrote here. Well, since I published anything here. I've been back periodically to write here, but left things abandoned because I just didn't have it in me to finish what I'd started. My heart wasn't in it anymore. Thankfully, I have found my way back again and my heart is filling up again.
What happened to me, you ask? I fell into the pit. A place of sorrow. Of lost hope. Of keep-on-keeping-on and putting one foot in front of the other. I lost heart for the journey I was on. I let myself live in a self-imposed place of defeat. Sometimes, you get knocked down so much that you don't feel like getting back up again. I really don't see myself as that person, though. Someone who gets defeated. Someone who stays down. Instead, I am the girl who chooses to fight. I come out swinging. I drag my butt back up because I live by the motto, "If not me, then who?" So, again, how did life kick me so hard and so long that I quit overcoming and just kept moving forward?
It was a slow start. I lost heart little by little. Each thing taking one more piece from me. It's hard to see yourself sinking when that happens. Kind of reminds me of the frog who gets put in the cold pot of water to boil. You don't realize what's happening until it's too late. And once you're in a pit, how do you get out? Do you even want to? I can't tell you how many times I told myself that maybe this is just my lot in life. Maybe this is just how things are supposed to be and I should just suck it up and take things for what they are. We live in a broken world and even though God is good and life is good, bad stuff still happens. We can still be broken. Our flesh is still our flesh. What I lost sight of far too many time is that we are all Overcomers as heir's to the Salvation that is Jesus Christ.
Don't walk away right now because I spoke about Jesus because there's more to the story. Sometimes, He was/is not enough for me. Sometimes, I looked up and found myself wanting more. Wanting what I wanted and not being able to see why I was where I was. Wanting things in the right now and not to wait for what He knew was best. I am struggling against my flesh and the desires of my heart in the midst of the wait for what He has for me. There are times I can't see the vision of His hope and the future He has for me. But let me tell you that it's not Him who is failing me, but me who is falling down and looking to the world for answers. Looking to the friend on the left and the friend on the right. Looking to the past. Looking to my own heart. Looking anywhere but to the King who holds the plans of the whole world in His hands. The one who not only created it all, but created me. Knitting me in my mother's womb. Knowing all of me. The from whom nothing can be hidden.
I'm not fooling Him in my outward smile and my inward brokenness. He knows me down to the number of hairs on my head. I don't even know what that is. Plus, I feel like I lose a good 20 strands or so in each shower and more as I brush my hair. These things die and still He knows. If those little things are important to Him, how much more are the big things?
Parts of the pit are outlined in the published posts here and others in the unpublished. There are still other stories left unwritten, too. Do they matter? I don't know if they do now. They were part of the journey. Part of the bigger picture. The one that's still coming into focus. It started a few months ago when I knew it was time to get to the root of the issues. To stop repeating the same mistakes. To stop taking the same roads and hoping for new things to see or learn. To let myself feel the hard stuff. The deep, hurting things. It's ok. I'm safe now. I know who I am and won't get too lost because I know whose I am. I was ready. And, so, it began...
The climb up and out of the pit.