I am wondering about death. About life. Can life be as rich if we don't know the sorrow and loss of death? That is where I am right now in my pondering. When someone close to you starts to enter the end stages of life, it makes you think much more about living and the time you do have left with them. Not knowing how long they may have left makes me desire more time with them in my life. My grampy died 10 years ago last month; he was one of the most significant people in my life since birth. He had been close to death a number of times from numerous ailments probably precipitated by his eating, drinking, and smoking habits, but he always seemed to rally. He was a stubborn old man with a will of iron. Still, his body gave out on him, and death took him. I remember exactly where I was when the call came from my Uncle Matt to tell me. I said, "I'm not ready for him to be dead." He asked, "Would you ever be?" Of course the answer was no. Thankfully, I know I'll see him again in heaven and we have a plan to meet at the duck pond where we'd spent many happy hours when I was young.
I have lost very few people in my life who have been truly dear to me. In high school, one of my dearest middle school friends, Tanya Sherry, died in a train-car collision. In 2000, I lost my 14 year-old cousin, Sean, who I'd babysat and cared for many years before. In 2008, my grampy, followed by my Uncle Tom (the first born of my grandparents' 11 children) in 2015. Now, two other significant people in my life have failing bodies and minds which are leading them closer to going Home as well, my granny and my mom's long-time boyfriend (the closest thing I have to a step-father), LB. My granny is a little more than a month older than LB who is 24 years older than my mom. LB still knows me and my mom even though right now he doesn't know where he is and she is constantly walking him through the fact that he's still in his home. My granny doesn't always recognize who I am and even after I tell her, sometimes I have to walk through more of the story, show her pictures, etc. She knows my heart, though, and regardless of my name, she knows she loves me and I mean something to her.
My mom started dating LB when I was 11 and she and my dad divorced. She moved in with him when I was a senior in high school along with my younger siblings, though I did not. When I was home from the Navy in 1992 for Christmas, that is where I stayed while I was home. By the time I moved home in after my active duty, she had moved out, but they were still together for three more years after that. Five and a half years later, once she got sober and saved (thank you, Jesus!), they reconciled, but there was much to still work through. It's been over ten years since that and over two since she became his care giver as his health started to fail. God has done a great work in both of their hearts in that time. He has been our family again and my kids know and love him more than they do my real dad, sadly. When I was dating JM, I took him to meet LB because LB was sure he was after me for my money and success which I assured him was impossible as JM didn't know or even ask about my (great) job, how much I make, or how "successful" I am in my career. They ended up getting along famously with their former Army infantry backgrounds (LB is a Korean war vet and very proud of his service). Lenny tells me how loved I am, how he has watched me grow into this amazing woman, how beautiful I am--like my mother, and when I see how loved she is, I love him even more. So, having to watch him get sicker and sicker and know our time is growing short, my heart breaks all the more. Not just for me, but for my little sister who also loves him so, and especially for my mom who has found her heart safe and cared for with him and by him even when he's driving her crazy with his crazy. That is real love--in sickness and in health.
Right now, I have some medical testing and my daughter went right to the worst possible outcome. In her worry, she insists she needs more of me...more snuggling, more hugs, more time. My heart swells at this and also contracts because I don't want her to know what it is to not have me here with her. I want to watch her and the boys grow into the amazing adults I know they are going to be. I want to see, feel, touch, and LIVE out each of those moments alongside them. At the end of a long life having watched them and known them, I want to speak to them continually as LB and granny and my grampy have to me--encouraging them to be all they are meant to be and assuring them that I am in awe of who they already are. I have loved them with an everlasting love. These children who grew inside my womb, inside my heart, inside the dreams and hopes I have for their futures. So, yes, I do believe that death--even the thought of it--makes living this life richer. It makes us, ask ourselves what we would do differently, better. In the song, "Live Like You Were Dying", Tim McGraw sings a chorus urging us to live like we are dying and says these are some of the ways we do that: love deeper, speak sweeter, forgive, and live like this time is precious by doing all the things you hold yourself back from because of fear or time or whatever else limits you.
Death will come for each of us. We know this. The day, the time, the way are all things we don't know and have little control over other than to take care of the bodies we have been given. Now, we need to choose today and each day thereafter to live a rich life. A life that we look back on not regretting all the things we feared or doubted, all the people we didn't bless or care for that we could have and should have, all the things we did that left the wrong kind of mark. As long as there is breath in our lungs, there is time to change our story. To live with richness even in the midst of poverty. Live like we are dying because each day we are closer to when we will. Make it a good life!
I have lost very few people in my life who have been truly dear to me. In high school, one of my dearest middle school friends, Tanya Sherry, died in a train-car collision. In 2000, I lost my 14 year-old cousin, Sean, who I'd babysat and cared for many years before. In 2008, my grampy, followed by my Uncle Tom (the first born of my grandparents' 11 children) in 2015. Now, two other significant people in my life have failing bodies and minds which are leading them closer to going Home as well, my granny and my mom's long-time boyfriend (the closest thing I have to a step-father), LB. My granny is a little more than a month older than LB who is 24 years older than my mom. LB still knows me and my mom even though right now he doesn't know where he is and she is constantly walking him through the fact that he's still in his home. My granny doesn't always recognize who I am and even after I tell her, sometimes I have to walk through more of the story, show her pictures, etc. She knows my heart, though, and regardless of my name, she knows she loves me and I mean something to her.
My mom started dating LB when I was 11 and she and my dad divorced. She moved in with him when I was a senior in high school along with my younger siblings, though I did not. When I was home from the Navy in 1992 for Christmas, that is where I stayed while I was home. By the time I moved home in after my active duty, she had moved out, but they were still together for three more years after that. Five and a half years later, once she got sober and saved (thank you, Jesus!), they reconciled, but there was much to still work through. It's been over ten years since that and over two since she became his care giver as his health started to fail. God has done a great work in both of their hearts in that time. He has been our family again and my kids know and love him more than they do my real dad, sadly. When I was dating JM, I took him to meet LB because LB was sure he was after me for my money and success which I assured him was impossible as JM didn't know or even ask about my (great) job, how much I make, or how "successful" I am in my career. They ended up getting along famously with their former Army infantry backgrounds (LB is a Korean war vet and very proud of his service). Lenny tells me how loved I am, how he has watched me grow into this amazing woman, how beautiful I am--like my mother, and when I see how loved she is, I love him even more. So, having to watch him get sicker and sicker and know our time is growing short, my heart breaks all the more. Not just for me, but for my little sister who also loves him so, and especially for my mom who has found her heart safe and cared for with him and by him even when he's driving her crazy with his crazy. That is real love--in sickness and in health.
Right now, I have some medical testing and my daughter went right to the worst possible outcome. In her worry, she insists she needs more of me...more snuggling, more hugs, more time. My heart swells at this and also contracts because I don't want her to know what it is to not have me here with her. I want to watch her and the boys grow into the amazing adults I know they are going to be. I want to see, feel, touch, and LIVE out each of those moments alongside them. At the end of a long life having watched them and known them, I want to speak to them continually as LB and granny and my grampy have to me--encouraging them to be all they are meant to be and assuring them that I am in awe of who they already are. I have loved them with an everlasting love. These children who grew inside my womb, inside my heart, inside the dreams and hopes I have for their futures. So, yes, I do believe that death--even the thought of it--makes living this life richer. It makes us, ask ourselves what we would do differently, better. In the song, "Live Like You Were Dying", Tim McGraw sings a chorus urging us to live like we are dying and says these are some of the ways we do that: love deeper, speak sweeter, forgive, and live like this time is precious by doing all the things you hold yourself back from because of fear or time or whatever else limits you.
Death will come for each of us. We know this. The day, the time, the way are all things we don't know and have little control over other than to take care of the bodies we have been given. Now, we need to choose today and each day thereafter to live a rich life. A life that we look back on not regretting all the things we feared or doubted, all the people we didn't bless or care for that we could have and should have, all the things we did that left the wrong kind of mark. As long as there is breath in our lungs, there is time to change our story. To live with richness even in the midst of poverty. Live like we are dying because each day we are closer to when we will. Make it a good life!
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