and words can still hurt me...
I can sit here and pretend that they don't, but they do. The things people say to me make me look at myself and ask myself if they are true. Even when I know these things said to me in order to hurt me are not true, the fact that I am perceived in such a manner by someone else or that they want to hurt me is like a punch in the gut. This morning I was telling my mom about this text I got yesterday that read, "what do you weigh like 300 lbs. lol" Needless to say, I was not LOL'ing. I did weigh 300 lbs once. And I don't now. The fact that someone looked at a picture of me and thought that really hurt. I know that was her intention and I hate to say she got what she wanted, but she did. It cut into me and made me want to cry. It's hard enough to get past the baggage that got me to 300 lbs while I am trying to get back to a my ideal weight let alone have people push me down when I'm already struggling.
To add fuel to the fire, my first love has once again reappeared in my life. This time, instead of just being separated, he's filed for divorce and moving on with his life. The last thing he told me in July after his wife and I got into things was that I had "fulfilled a need" for him. OUCH! That hurt like you can't even imagine (and if you want to imagine, check out this entry). I get hurt a lot because I am always all in. I give 100% to the person with whom I have chosen. Yes. I can be my own worst enemy. I invite the pain because I would rather be all in and get hurt than to hold back and miss out.
And then, there is silence. Sometimes the silence is just as hard as the mean and spiteful words. Sometimes, what I fill into the silence is so much worse than what the reality is. I've been seeing this great guy for a little over a month now. He went to see his son out of state last week. Before he left, I texted him to see if he had plans for New Year's Eve. No response. I figured he didn't know yet and didn't bring it up again. Then, I heard from him infrequently while he was there even though he explained why that would be. He got home yesterday, though, and I still haven't heard from him. So, has my mind put together all sorts of reasons why this would be? HELL YES IT HAS! I ask myself if I said too much or too little. I ask myself if I was too much or not enough. I ask myself what I did or didn't do. I have already assumed that the issue is me. This is just like me to do. Why can't I just once wonder what's wrong with someone else?
For years I changed and worked on being a better me for my husband so he'd stop cheating. I would do more, be more, give more. No matter what I did, no matter what I weighed, no matter what I gave...the result was the same. It might shift for a little while, but it always went back to the old behaviors. He still cheated. He still did as little as he needed to. He still gave what he wanted to give without regard for what I needed or had requested. It took my guy pal, Chris, to make me realize that I take responsibility for everyone and everything. I always think it's something wrong with me or something I did that caused these challenges. That truth has begun to set me free. It allowed me to realize that while I may be part of the issue, there are always two sides and two people involved. I have to remind myself of that truth over and over again, though.
So remember that words do hurt. They cut deeply. They resonate within the one hearing them. They may become that person's truth. Use them with caution and care.