Skip to main content

Sticks and stones may break my bones...

and words can still hurt me...

I can sit here and pretend that they don't, but they do. The things people say to me make me look at myself and ask myself if they are true. Even when I know these things said to me in order to hurt me are not true, the fact that I am perceived in such a manner by someone else or that they want to hurt me is like a punch in the gut. This morning I was telling my mom about this text I got yesterday that read, "what do you weigh like 300 lbs. lol" Needless to say, I was not LOL'ing. I did weigh 300 lbs once. And I don't now. The fact that someone looked at a picture of me and thought that really hurt. I know that was her intention and I hate to say she got what she wanted, but she did. It cut into me and made me want to cry. It's hard enough to get past the baggage that got me to 300 lbs while I am trying to get back to a my ideal weight let alone have people push me down when I'm already struggling.

To add fuel to the fire, my first love has once again reappeared in my life. This time, instead of just being separated, he's filed for divorce and moving on with his life. The last thing he told me in July after his wife and I got into things was that I had "fulfilled a need" for him. OUCH! That hurt like you can't even imagine (and if you want to imagine, check out this entry). I get hurt a lot because I am always all in. I give 100% to the person with whom I have chosen. Yes. I can be my own worst enemy. I invite the pain because I would rather be all in and get hurt than to hold back and miss out.

And then, there is silence. Sometimes the silence is just as hard as the mean and spiteful words. Sometimes, what I fill into the silence is so much worse than what the reality is. I've been seeing this great guy for a little over a month now. He went to see his son out of state last week. Before he left, I texted him to see if he had plans for New Year's Eve. No response. I figured he didn't know yet and didn't bring it up again. Then, I heard from him infrequently while he was there even though he explained why that would be. He got home yesterday, though, and I still haven't heard from him. So, has my mind put together all sorts of reasons why this would be? HELL YES IT HAS! I ask myself if I said too much or too little. I ask myself if I was too much or not enough. I ask myself what I did or didn't do. I have already assumed that the issue is me. This is just like me to do. Why can't I just once wonder what's wrong with someone else?

For years I changed and worked on being a better me for my husband so he'd stop cheating. I would do more, be more, give more. No matter what I did, no matter what I weighed, no matter what I gave...the result was the same. It might shift for a little while, but it always went back to the old behaviors. He still cheated. He still did as little as he needed to. He still gave what he wanted to give without regard for what I needed or had requested. It took my guy pal, Chris, to make me realize that I take responsibility for everyone and everything. I always think it's something wrong with me or something I did that caused these challenges. That truth has begun to set me free. It allowed me to realize that while I may be part of the issue, there are always two sides and two people involved. I have to remind myself of that truth over and over again, though.

So remember that words do hurt. They cut deeply. They resonate within the one hearing them. They may become that person's truth. Use them with caution and care.

Comments

  1. Terrific and insightful blog. I've been thinking a lot about this same topic since our lunch. The fact you give your all is what makes you who you are and so wonderful. Love ya!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You shouldn't let the opinions and spiteful words of a miserable BITCH (yah I said it), bring you down. It amazes me the people we not only allow into our lives, but the magnitude of opportunity we give them. That lady is nothing but a psychotic C.U.N.T. she deserves to have horrible pain inflicted upon her, but not only for you - but for the pain she causes other people whom are important to us. I just don't understand the abuse one can take. I've took pride in my ability to walk away. Right now, I just can't.....

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you, ladies. This was just one situation and we've all had one. This one just so happened to be at a time when I had an outlet for sharing the significance of our words and the words of others.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Join the Navy, See the World!

There are things we want in life and make happen, but they don't always happen as we'd planned or imagined. My dad had gone to Ohio University in Athens, OH on a wrestling scholarship. I, too, wanted to go to OU, but since he'd dropped out and it had a reputation as a huge party school, it was going to be a tough sell. So, I did my homework and sell I did. At the time (1990), OU was one of the top 10 colleges for Communications in the U.S. That was the degree I wanted and I wanted to go to OU to get my degree. I graduated early and during the time between my acceptance to OU and the College of Communications and pre-college, I had become further enamored with marine life and sharks specifically and wanted to change my major to Marine Biology which at OU was actually a Zoology degree. The girl tried to talk me out of changing my major because it was so hard to get into the College of Communication and if I left, I would have to reapply and hope for the best in my junior year

Struggles

Struggles. We all have them. My (latest) favorite saying is, "We all have our things." And for me, my "thing" is wanting to eat to fill the emptiness inside. And not like carrots and apples and good for you stuff. Oh, No! The really bad for you stuff. I crave sugary treats. I have been doing so well with my eating lately and have been exercising for the last few weeks as well, but last night nearly took me down. I was struggling with wanting to run--not walk--into the kitchen and make myself a bowl of cereal with some Craisins or a fruit smoothie or a PB&J. I prayed instead. Almost to the point of tears, I begged God for this to pass. I ate some carrots. I drank some more water. I contemplated some tea. I got out my swiss ball and did some wall squats as I watched TV. I had already been out for a walk earlier with ML, too, but I felt like I was coming out of my skin. OBSESSING about eating something. It wasn't food that I wanted, though. I wanted to feed t

Sometimes, Reality is Worse

What if I told you that Joseph/SAM was created to hurt me? Made up to be everything I'd ever want and more? What if I told you everything I believed and knew him to be was an enormous hoax? All because someone wanted to give me what she felt I had given her. All that she felt I had taken from her. I have to admit that while people have hurt me before with their actions and decisions it has been for their own personal and selfish reasons. Usually not with malicious intent.  There has to be a lot of pain and hurt within a person to invest so much into the creation of a fictional character. Someone who would really take the time to know me. Someone who would enlist others to make the ruse real. To call me on the phone, to send me cards from the web, to pick out a card and leave it at a bar where the bartender who gave it to me told me how cute my guy was, to create a Facebook account with pictures and friends, to bring an ex-wife into the mix, pictures from the desert and your trave