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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Distorted View of Me

It's been a rough week. Sometimes life gets to be too much all at once. Had a rough go with my oldest son on Monday that led to his dad having to come over and work through a very difficult situation. He hates me again and said some really nasty things to me. I understand hurt. I have been there with my own mom. I know that it won't always be this way, but being in the middle of this storm SUCKS as a mom. This situation with him pulls me back to the dark place. I feel empty and numb and I just want to eat a bunch of crap...mostly sweets...M&Ms, brownies, cookies, ice cream...the only thing stopping me from a full-on binge is that I don't keep any of that stuff in my house and since I have my two little ones here, I am not about to go out and buy it all just so I can. Plus, I texted my ex and told him what I wanted and he called me and talked me down off my proverbial ledge. I didn't reach out to him until it was already a little late for stopping me from eating everything else I'd already consumed, though. I ate a whole lot last night. In fact, there are some days that I eat what I had last night in an entire day's meals. I ended up feeling stuffed last night for the first time in I don't know how long. While stuffed, though, I was still empty inside. I did Leslie Sansone's Walk Away the Pounds 5-mile workout to try to readjust where my head was. That didn't work either.

As I got ready today and was looking at myself in the mirror, I felt fat because of my bad behavior. I weighed myself and that wasn't different. My pants were just the same, too. The way I felt about myself is what was generating the picture of what I was seeing about myself. Like the out of control, empty, fat girl trying to run away from the hurts and pains and only finding herself in a viscously destructive internal battle. At work, I got a ton of compliments. Pervy owner said I look thinner than ever. Negative Nelly was all, "Damn girl, you look good. What size are you wearing now?" Then, I was standing in front of the microwave with my back to the entry to the kitchen and my IT guy came in. I looked over my shoulder at him and nodded my head. He said, "I didn't even realize it was you. I was sitting here trying to figure out who it was." I laughed and asked if that was because he was looking at my butt. He turned all shades of red and tried to explain how much smaller I am and how he's not used to seeing me like this yet. I have to admit, that picked up my mood a lot. And, I took a walk with my WM for 45 minutes in the sunshine (it was still cold as heck, but not as windy as it's been).

This is me before my workout tonight:


My ex called right as I got home this evening to see if I was ok and not binging anymore. I told him I was better, but was already thinking of ice cream for dinner and had been all day. He reminded me again of how far I had come and that I didn't want to go back there. I don't! EVER! I ended up taking the kids to Cici's Pizza for dinner. I had a salad, 2 pieces of mushroom pizza, and a brownie. Unfortunately, the brownie just made me wish I had eaten more of them. That is why I usually avoid sweets. I like them WAY too much. A piece of dark chocolate or After Eight mints, I can totally have a serving and be done. Other stuff, NOTSOMUCH. I truly do believe it's white flour that triggers it for me...and I am sure pizza and brownies is dumb as can be if that's the case!

Once we were settled in at home, I got my 100 push-ups, crunches and upper body workout done so I didn't go scrounging in the kitchen. I made myself realize and feel that I was full so I was cognizant of the feeling. Here's me after my workout and happy to see my collarbones as well as my pecks and shoulders developing so nicely:


I need to remind myself more often of where I am going and what I am trying to accomplish so that I don't let the distortion force me backwards. My goal is to keep moving forward and to not only reach my goals, but surpass them...be somewhere I have never been before and make that my new mark. Time to git 'r done!

4 comments:

  1. Hugs! You know I am hear for you. Love you!

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  2. OY! here for you even. ;-)

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  3. Haha! I read that and figured it musta been a long day! I have lunch with AL tomorrow, but am kid-free for the week. Let's see if we can grab dinner one night. I have plans Thursday only so far.

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  4. It's been a long week. I am lucky I can type a legible word let alone use the correct one. :-) Sounds good. Let me check my calendar. I am not sure if the PMI meeting is this week or not. I probably should attend it. :-D I will let you know. This weekend was a bust 'cause I ended up having to cat sit for Mom and Dad (it's their anniversary weekend...45 years!)

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