Skip to main content

Distorted View of Me

It's been a rough week. Sometimes life gets to be too much all at once. Had a rough go with my oldest son on Monday that led to his dad having to come over and work through a very difficult situation. He hates me again and said some really nasty things to me. I understand hurt. I have been there with my own mom. I know that it won't always be this way, but being in the middle of this storm SUCKS as a mom. This situation with him pulls me back to the dark place. I feel empty and numb and I just want to eat a bunch of crap...mostly sweets...M&Ms, brownies, cookies, ice cream...the only thing stopping me from a full-on binge is that I don't keep any of that stuff in my house and since I have my two little ones here, I am not about to go out and buy it all just so I can. Plus, I texted my ex and told him what I wanted and he called me and talked me down off my proverbial ledge. I didn't reach out to him until it was already a little late for stopping me from eating everything else I'd already consumed, though. I ate a whole lot last night. In fact, there are some days that I eat what I had last night in an entire day's meals. I ended up feeling stuffed last night for the first time in I don't know how long. While stuffed, though, I was still empty inside. I did Leslie Sansone's Walk Away the Pounds 5-mile workout to try to readjust where my head was. That didn't work either.

As I got ready today and was looking at myself in the mirror, I felt fat because of my bad behavior. I weighed myself and that wasn't different. My pants were just the same, too. The way I felt about myself is what was generating the picture of what I was seeing about myself. Like the out of control, empty, fat girl trying to run away from the hurts and pains and only finding herself in a viscously destructive internal battle. At work, I got a ton of compliments. Pervy owner said I look thinner than ever. Negative Nelly was all, "Damn girl, you look good. What size are you wearing now?" Then, I was standing in front of the microwave with my back to the entry to the kitchen and my IT guy came in. I looked over my shoulder at him and nodded my head. He said, "I didn't even realize it was you. I was sitting here trying to figure out who it was." I laughed and asked if that was because he was looking at my butt. He turned all shades of red and tried to explain how much smaller I am and how he's not used to seeing me like this yet. I have to admit, that picked up my mood a lot. And, I took a walk with my WM for 45 minutes in the sunshine (it was still cold as heck, but not as windy as it's been).

This is me before my workout tonight:


My ex called right as I got home this evening to see if I was ok and not binging anymore. I told him I was better, but was already thinking of ice cream for dinner and had been all day. He reminded me again of how far I had come and that I didn't want to go back there. I don't! EVER! I ended up taking the kids to Cici's Pizza for dinner. I had a salad, 2 pieces of mushroom pizza, and a brownie. Unfortunately, the brownie just made me wish I had eaten more of them. That is why I usually avoid sweets. I like them WAY too much. A piece of dark chocolate or After Eight mints, I can totally have a serving and be done. Other stuff, NOTSOMUCH. I truly do believe it's white flour that triggers it for me...and I am sure pizza and brownies is dumb as can be if that's the case!

Once we were settled in at home, I got my 100 push-ups, crunches and upper body workout done so I didn't go scrounging in the kitchen. I made myself realize and feel that I was full so I was cognizant of the feeling. Here's me after my workout and happy to see my collarbones as well as my pecks and shoulders developing so nicely:


I need to remind myself more often of where I am going and what I am trying to accomplish so that I don't let the distortion force me backwards. My goal is to keep moving forward and to not only reach my goals, but surpass them...be somewhere I have never been before and make that my new mark. Time to git 'r done!

Comments

  1. Hugs! You know I am hear for you. Love you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. OY! here for you even. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Haha! I read that and figured it musta been a long day! I have lunch with AL tomorrow, but am kid-free for the week. Let's see if we can grab dinner one night. I have plans Thursday only so far.

    ReplyDelete
  4. It's been a long week. I am lucky I can type a legible word let alone use the correct one. :-) Sounds good. Let me check my calendar. I am not sure if the PMI meeting is this week or not. I probably should attend it. :-D I will let you know. This weekend was a bust 'cause I ended up having to cat sit for Mom and Dad (it's their anniversary weekend...45 years!)

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Join the Navy, See the World!

There are things we want in life and make happen, but they don't always happen as we'd planned or imagined. My dad had gone to Ohio University in Athens, OH on a wrestling scholarship. I, too, wanted to go to OU, but since he'd dropped out and it had a reputation as a huge party school, it was going to be a tough sell. So, I did my homework and sell I did. At the time (1990), OU was one of the top 10 colleges for Communications in the U.S. That was the degree I wanted and I wanted to go to OU to get my degree. I graduated early and during the time between my acceptance to OU and the College of Communications and pre-college, I had become further enamored with marine life and sharks specifically and wanted to change my major to Marine Biology which at OU was actually a Zoology degree. The girl tried to talk me out of changing my major because it was so hard to get into the College of Communication and if I left, I would have to reapply and hope for the best in my junior year

Sometimes, Reality is Worse

What if I told you that Joseph/SAM was created to hurt me? Made up to be everything I'd ever want and more? What if I told you everything I believed and knew him to be was an enormous hoax? All because someone wanted to give me what she felt I had given her. All that she felt I had taken from her. I have to admit that while people have hurt me before with their actions and decisions it has been for their own personal and selfish reasons. Usually not with malicious intent.  There has to be a lot of pain and hurt within a person to invest so much into the creation of a fictional character. Someone who would really take the time to know me. Someone who would enlist others to make the ruse real. To call me on the phone, to send me cards from the web, to pick out a card and leave it at a bar where the bartender who gave it to me told me how cute my guy was, to create a Facebook account with pictures and friends, to bring an ex-wife into the mix, pictures from the desert and your trave

Struggles

Struggles. We all have them. My (latest) favorite saying is, "We all have our things." And for me, my "thing" is wanting to eat to fill the emptiness inside. And not like carrots and apples and good for you stuff. Oh, No! The really bad for you stuff. I crave sugary treats. I have been doing so well with my eating lately and have been exercising for the last few weeks as well, but last night nearly took me down. I was struggling with wanting to run--not walk--into the kitchen and make myself a bowl of cereal with some Craisins or a fruit smoothie or a PB&J. I prayed instead. Almost to the point of tears, I begged God for this to pass. I ate some carrots. I drank some more water. I contemplated some tea. I got out my swiss ball and did some wall squats as I watched TV. I had already been out for a walk earlier with ML, too, but I felt like I was coming out of my skin. OBSESSING about eating something. It wasn't food that I wanted, though. I wanted to feed t